Back to the future.

Not a grim post this time.

It feels as if I'm moving against time. I happened to discover a few old songs back from the 1970s and yeah, time trippin'.

It was a weird feeling, like the uneasiness you feel when you're forced to run backwards for some unknown reason. I'm quite scared of this effect because I can picture myself being a poor bloke with headphones on, playing songs from the 1970s and feeding on leftovers like crows.

Then the piano was sold today. I learned that it was my mum who paid for the piano in the first place. I could feel the sting when they asked for the piano chair to take away with the piano, because my mum wanted to keep the chair. She said it was comfortable.

I skipped school today, I spent like 6 hours playing some worthless character whose original owner isn't interested in playing anymore, yeah.

And know what? I might get a tagboard. Sometimes I update so fast that you guys will probably forget about the previous comments. Good idea. Might as well switch to Wordpress. Or get my http://neue.vtsuki.net working.

Productivity. Ugh.

Cruise control for the xth time.

Previous post is part one. This is part two. Part one focuses on what's inside my mind, so this post will be on the favourite topic for you guys - reality.

I've been paying visits with ZW to different places on weekends for some photography since the start of the new term. A little disappointed in the photos I took. They don't seem to exude the same charm of the first few pictures I took with my D40X.

So what I'm really curious to know, is whether I've become better since the start of this year. I don't plan on wasting time on photography as a hobby. I don't like doing things for no reason. I'm not doubting my passion for it, but skill limits are one of the the most frightening obstacles to me.

I do have photos. 450 of them. Mostly repeats and shots with bad focus. It was only today when I told myself that it's time to put some creativity into what I'm shooting.

There's one thing getting me off my chair screaming "NO YOU DON'T," and that's people claiming that they love photography. I'm not even sure whether I love photography, or I'm just doing it because of my ability to abuse wealth. It's definitely not a case of "I have a camera, this shows I love photography."

Thus my desire to shoot better pictures. I used to think every single subject could be manipulated to create interesting shots of different angles, etc, but unfortunately there are some things that we can't control. Call me a control freak, but I'm gradually losing interest because of this.

But I have other things I want to talk about.

I got bored of TF2 already. No games, nothing to do. Haven't been coding in a while. Did some presentation on my personal value - simplicity, and I must say many of the shit I mentioned I didn't even practice myself.

Yeah that's all I wanted to talk about.

Redundant to the point of being sickening.

WARNING: Highly reflective and semi-depressing post.

I was never one to submit myself to deadlines or plunge deep into reality. There was always a mental space filled with images and words of events true to only myself. I replay such moments when caught in the web of reality. It keeps me sane.

Recently assignments have been pouring in at a much faster rate than I've imagined. I notice myself going against the best, trying to crawl my way up to the top rankings, the desire to do better or, if possible, be the best. This reduced the amount of space offered for my very own sanctuary inside my mind.

I'm going mad.

I'm pretty unhappy about the way things are turning out for me. I don't know where this sudden desire to push myself came from, but I can feel my very own individuality seeping out of every word I speak to another person. It's as if I'm imprinting the common characteristics of people onto myself and therefore turning into "just another typical guy." I'm afraid this may cause me to lose the will to live.

Ironic, isn't it? I was always lacking strength, lacking the will to do something extraordinary, lacking the patience and motivation to compete with the best. Then I went ahead despite knowing that it won't be easy. I'm pulling through, doing better than anybody else, but then I'm afraid of losing myself.

I'll never forget the words that dragged me into this comfortable state of oblivion and prevented me from seeking what others would define as important to their lives, including the amount of places I've seen inside my mind and knowing that is all I need to survive. It was all that gave me another chance to live, and now I'm throwing it all away because of my desire to live more than ever.

I think it's wrong for me to do that. I move on, but I don't throw a part of myself away. That is akin to suicide, and I mean the real form of suicide. It may as well be a parasite feeding off every bit of my soul, for what good does it do if the host is to die? "Keep him alive," they said, "keep him alive."

I don't lament this terrible mess I've dragged myself into. There must be a clear line drawn between the boundaries of reality and my mind. Life is definitely easier if I let go of certain things, and keep myself content with whatever I have that others don't. There is no gain without pain, but physical pain is always second to its psychological cousin - "someone" I came into terms with and made a pact for the rest of my life either to follow, or to satiate its horrifying taste for destruction.

It's time to take a step back and ask myself if there's any point to living more than what I can handle, whether I'm ready to make the sacrifice with the potential risk of killing myself in the process and whether if life itself is actually worth living all the same.

Good stuff and fatal errors.

I'm online, just absent. It's pretty similar to, say...

I'm alive, just in hiding.

Good stuff

Got my Backburner already, after getting flamed by noobs saying that I should "l2play pyro" or go to some custom server to earn my achievements. Thought of "cheating," but figured I won't have anything to work towards if I were to do that. This is about TF2 by the way, and I'm now an established pyro ^^

Then, after fumbling with my handphone on Monday, I gave my lecturer a call to seek some sort of "justification" for my bad grade. I didn't mention anything about my grades but he offered to raise it for me. I don't agree with his reasoning of me being borderline and closer to the next grade so he'll just throw in a few marks to bring me up, because, after all, even with all my personal flaws (such as having a deep, monotonous voice,) I definitely deserve a better grade without him having to push me up.

Not to say it's all about marks. Point is, after all, self-improvisation. I appreciate his kindness though.

Fatal errors

Today I got back my marks for another assignment and again it's not a good grade. Then I asked myself if it's really not my problem. Conclusion? Maybe. It's pretty demoralising because I haven't been skipping since the new term and I'm getting bad grades compared to me skipping like 2 days every week and scoring distinctions for my assignments. Weird shit.

There's this guy who went to a different option and since then he's been ignoring my hi's, bye's and blarg. Personally I think it's because I scored better than him for a group assignment that I tried very very very hard NOT to contribute. I lied to him about my final grades anyway, because I thought it'll make him feel better. Fatal error on my part. Well, trying not to be friendly towards him nowadays haha.

If I'm feeling superior, I'll probably be laughing at his sore ass. Will attempt it in front of him next time. Evil, yes, but it yields great satisfaction for a guy who doesn't like to be ignored.

A story on a true story.

How I wished that it was night time, that the sun would not expose me with so many people crossing my paths and stealing glances, for the pain was clearly evident on my face.

An hour ago I was dumbfound, completely lost at the letter C. I don't remember having an affinity for that alphabet, at least not on stacks of paper on which I left my imprints, my legacy. I asked myself what does one do, when faced with injustice, when trying so hard to accomplish something backfires?

Then the metal gates opened and she staggered down the stairs. Age was not the only one being hard on her, for she had a pailful of water on her other hand, soon to be caressing the roots of primitive beauty. It seemed ironic, but with time comes a past, and with a past comes a former self. This old woman was definitely as radiant and beautiful as the flowers then.

She raised her hand as a form of greeting and smiled at me. I expected this, and I wanted it to happen, for having a month of disappointment run through the lifespan of just half an hour was too much to bear. I gave her the best smile I could manage, because I was told that my smile would warm people up. She probably sensed the forced expression, but the meaning was not lost.

Forty-five minutes ago, I thought I could tear everything up. I needed to break away from this place. Does that mean I would be accused of being defiant? I needed someone to talk to. A practical man then told me, during my secretive text messaging session, that I should just seek out my own mistakes, and a practical man is not theoretical. It amazes me how little he says, but how much he means. I asked him in his own personal way, using a question, for the answer to troubles, to which he told me "probably."

"Then I'll probably do it too, in my own personal way. Thanks."

She turned before I could pass her, and once I did that, I never looked back. It wasn't worth spreading the plague in my heart, but that means I would have to carry it all by myself. Like what a man would have done, like what I would have done, as a child, when getting smacked on the legs by twenty wooden rulers was actually much more fun than sitting around listening to the kids playing out in the field.

Thirty minutes ago, I asked a fellow classmate what was the mistake he made, to which I realised his mistake was exactly the same as mine. It was difficult wrestling with logic, for our grades had a two level difference. Maybe I was marked down by the others, or maybe I missed out things I should have done? There was no way I could have known. I thought hard, while walking with him, and upon seeing there was only three minutes left for the next train, I realised where I went wrong, I realised where I didn't go wrong.

When the lift opened, I had this urge to jump out and run up the stairs, but the child is now a man. He divulges nothing for the sake of holding himself up. He carries everything on his shoulder for the rest of his life, becomes a pillar and troubles no one. Yes, that is what it is like and what it is required of, to be a man. With that and a resurgence of strength, I inserted my key, and opened the door.

"I'm home."

Thank you for reading. <- r0fl.

ps. Thanks for proofreading Gwen.

Tessio.

One of those periods when instincts start kicking in.

Infatuation, then picking off another beaut in 3 days. A fleeting glance, but nevertheless enough to tear apart everything in its way.

As much as I want to, or need to, if I were to seek a cure for this infection, I won't.

That's a plus for being always conscious inside.

When men come together, the competitive instinct sometimes comes into play. One such example would be flaunting your sexual experiences. The flaunting part usually aligns itself with the person's character, so it's somewhat unnoticeable.

Then there's the natural instinct to grab onto something - anything, when you're about to fall.

I haven't been able to experience such a situation happening to others in a public setting. If I had I'll probably be the one falling. Tall, hunched guys don't balance themselves well.

But I've been thinking quite a fair bit and doing mind-simulations of what's going to happen if a person falls. One notable scenario I thought of was a tall woman falling and grabbing an old lady's arm holding one of the poles in the bus.

Result - domino effect.

That's not all though. You can judge a person's level of control in such situations. I'm sure we've spotted examples of people reaching out to grab something due to their instinct, but suddenly stopping themselves or pulling their arms back to grab another.

Also, what does your instinct make you grab? Anything close to you? Anything that's big enough to grab? Anything that's metal? Anything that's flesh?

This is making me want to study psychology in uni like what my lecturer said, not like I will definitely go there, but it's worth a try no?

Personal updates are essential.

Right.

I actually like this default theme a lot. It's one of the standard themes you can choose from when you try to pick a new template. Never liked any of the designs but this one's really good in my opinion. It's simple, clean, appealing, and it makes you focus on what I'm writing haha.

Remember I said I had to do a one-page website for one of my assignments? Maybe I didn't mention it, but several attempts to complete the assignment have revealed to me that web design is not about just what you see. How a person subconsciously goes about his daily surfing of the internet and how you present that information is linked together, and playing the right cards will definitely improve your website more than shitloads of impressive images.

So by then I was actually on the lookout for some books to read. I've got around 4 now and they're fairly short books, though I wonder if I'd have the patience and motivation to actually finish them off properly. Such books are different from the typical novels because skimming through isn't all that helpful when you're trying to grasp concepts through text.

Anyway just in case any of you visited this page since yesterday, I had no webspace of my own so I had to use my own blog as a form of testing my own layouts and stuff. Wondering if DD would grant me some space, heh.

I'm dreading tomorrow's critique session, providing my lecturer lives up to his promise. I'm getting a bad feeling that my work will be like a public execution. My lecturer's a great guy though, and gave me a lot of advice on photography. While I pray that he'll spare me tomorrow, I'm not putting much hope into it. Should be able to take the blow, like a man.

Finally, my new personal message. I hope it's clear enough that I'm quite nasty when I'm "myself." Then there's Nessib, which is the reason why I'm typing this post right now. Can you describe yourself? Maybe, but it's subjective to others, yeah? Thus I will not try to describe Nessib here.

Goodnight dudes. Tomorrow's a new term. I hope I'll get enough motivation to skip less. I'm trying man.

EDIT: Forgot something.

When a man is killed,
he loses.
When a man dies accidentally,
he loses with bad luck.
When a man sacrifices himself,
he loses a bet.
When a man digs his own grave,
he concedes.
When a man kills himself,
he's a damn good loser.

Mmmk.

Witness.

Rushing assignments, one of which includes doing a one-page website. That will probably be my first attempt to create a "multi-purpose" design suitable for almost everything.

Weekend of the last week of the holidays of boredom, frustration and a huge pile of last-minute work tugging at you to complete them to ensure your survival for the next decade or so.

I'm the only guy sick of this cycle, which brings me to the continuation of our tag-discussion, ZW.

Believe it or not, we humans are working "for the greater good." Life can be very simple. You can survive without your credit cards and the like. You can survive without having to go to school or doing any work. We made our living as complicated as it is today, and we have no one to blame except ourselves.

Is it for the better? If you have your iPod in hand, maybe. Live through a day without your iPod, and if you're slumped at a corner and drooling after that, you're already underground (reference to the "distance-to-earth" diagram I drew some time back.)

Well, live simple and everything around you will be simple as well.

ps. I'm kinda getting bored of using the Blogger engine. Once I get enough motivation to move I'll switch over to Wordpress. Will probably happen after a year. That's 12 weeks.

Public domain.

I think most of us have this subconsciously built-in criteria when we look out for potential company out there in society. Not in the romantic sense, but more of people that you can talk to comfortably, perhaps intelligently and overall get along well with. Then there's the minority consisting of those who don't really care.

Each of us have our own individual preferences. Mine happened to be having friends who are in no way related to my current course of study. As for friends I knew through polytechnic, I'd attribute part of this problem to them of course, but I can't change people, so I look outside. Not saying that I've got no friends in school though. We're there for each other, but the amount of space we give each other is fixed and surrounded by walls.

Anyway, I can only communicate with people who has got nothing to do with my work or what I'm studying. When I'm away from work, I don't want to have anything to do with it, neither do I want people talking to me to remind me about it. If talking to someone causes me to remember something unpleasant, even if unintentional, a wall will be constructed. That's my natural reaction to such a situation, and me not talking to them a form of prevention.

I can teach if one asks properly, and asking properly must be within my own definition of "asking properly." If I sense competition of any sort, that's pretty much end game because I hate cleaning up the mess I make.

It's somewhat a remnant of my over-sensitivity issue that I overcame a few years ago. Apparently it's not completely removable.

Not looking forward to next week. I wonder when will I have the courage to break myself away from this cycle.

Warm.

Mmm updates.

twitter.com: Now you know what blogs are for.

Too old to be true.

Lately I feel almost too old to be 18. I guess it was pretty obvious, because one morning my mum told me that I'm only xx years old and there's still a long way to go.

Too old to do anything.

We no longer possess innocence of 5 year olds. We can't rid ourselves from our responsibilities and look away. Being old is both a form of escape and a form of excuse for myself. Old people are lazy.

Not too old to love music.

Discovered a few new genres recently. Drum and bass, stuff by Mistabishi and Pendulum. Ambient, like Zeropage and Burial. The rest is all Cafe Del Mar.

My bro got me a set of new headphones from the PC show too. Ear cups are so big that they over-covered my ears. Sounds fine, nothing special. Gonna build a hi-fi stereo system when I'm older, then I can graduate as an audiophile.

He bleeds
his life away,
but the cassette's still playing.

He sleeps
for eternity,
and the music will make him dream forever.

By anonymous. That's all.

A quick explanation.

Welcome to NeUtRaL's grand purge #2. Please be informed that I did not do it with the intention of psychologically torturing my friends or enemies for the days to come, but with a NeUtRaL stance and the goal of building a better contact list for both me and the guy I am removing.

Grand purge #1 was a great failure. There were a lot of contacts who were actually begging me to remove them when I looked, but I did not. This is fixed in grand purge #2, where almost 50% of my contact list is being removed after being reviewed twice.

Male or female, none was spared. NeUtRaL has completed this operation and would like to call this a great success!

*Ahem* I will be serious now.

I had a fight with a childish guy yesterday night and after talking to people whom I thought could help me, I have decided that it is about time I move on. I feel that it is unfair for me to continue something that nobody has interest in, thus my final decision to disassociate myself with the people I once knew.

Out of them all, I kept only the ones that are truly worth talking to. I am not saying that the people I removed are bad and cannot be talked to, but there is no way for a single human to reach out to many different individuals like he is that son of God thing.

Another factor that contributed towards this decision was that I was getting too attached to something that I knew would not last. Like fleas, I think it is about time I break away from this game that I love, simply because it is going to be too painful to watch it die.

I am not a forgetful person when it comes to what I love, or loved, so I had no choice but to remove anything that would remind me of it. I gave each of my fellow gamers a second thought, but 50% just goes to show how much time I have wasted on these people.

But the purge did not stop there. I started removing dead contacts from other sections that I previously could not be bothered with.

The result? A much "cleaner" contact list :) That and I am sure nobody will be coming after me asking why I removed them or anything. I think they know the reason well enough.

Another thing I would like to add, is that during this grand purge #2, there was a lot less immaturity on my side when dealing with who is to stay or leave. It is unlike the grand purge #1, or the countless times I removed flakk and re-added him back. I think I gave myself a lot of time to think it through, and ultimately made the right decision. For this I am proud of myself and I believe they would have been proud of me too if they were in my position.

Right now, what is top priority in my list, is to get some good sleep, so there may be more ass-kicking to come tomorrow.

Lazy to blog?

Then don't run one -_-

I slapped Delete's gorgzilla two times yesterday, dishing out 5000 damage per slap. After he lost he blamed me for causing him to lose. I spoke to him on Steam but he did not reply.

I decided to leave the dude to emo for a day or two.

Sometimes the more you give in to others the more they will take for granted that you will be there to seek for forgiveness, even if they are in the wrong. It takes two hands to clap and two people to make love, be it two men or two women. You may be expecting others to exercise this while dealing with you, but make damn sure you yourself do the same back to them.

For my case I think I gave in enough times, so now I am going to let him have a taste of crashing things and having nothing to do because it is MY server and I draw the players in, not him.

Fast forward to the 'recent' case that happened for you, flakk. Go bitch on your blog seriously. No point telling ZW just because you want someone to listen to you rant about someone else. A problem with talking to a person is that he can choose to ignore your whatever rants and turn you away, which ZW is too kind-hearted to do so.

And ZW, stop blaming everything onto yourself before they even happen, like a blog war starting if you were to tell flakk to post it on his blog. It's his problem, and if he can't solve it, or doesn't want to, you should not be the one tolerating his rants; his blog should be.

Which simply means you got nothing to do with this shit even if a blog war starts and the two start plotting murders against each other. Always let your nemesis fight HIS nemesis. Things usually start appearing clearer this way.

And screw you people because I'm lazy and I think this shit is really damn childish no matter how much you sugar-coat it with chim words. Get over it and on with life, damnit.

YOU WANT TO SWAP POSITIONS WITH ME? TRY CLEANING OUT 10 DRIVES IN A SINGLE DAY filled with millions of files that you have to sort into different fucking FOLDERS YOU DON'T KNOW MY PAIN OH YOU DON'T.

Damnit.

EDIT:

Whenever I think of using fucking div's to do my layouts I'm reminded of that indian dude who keeps entertaining the fucking flirting slut next class. GET ON WITH THE DAMN LESSONS AND STOP FEEDING ATTENTION WHORES.

Fuck. Cheebye.

Dumpling some posts.

Update spree.

It's been two weeks since I bought the damn cube. Thought I could finish it without referring to the quick solution given but hayyy, at least I finished the first layer by myself.

So, the dumpling eating festival is here again, whatever the name is. I've been eating homemade dumplings on such occasions since birth and I wouldn't really say I enjoy it but, hell, once a year is a good enough reason to stuff down as many as you can.

I can't picture, like, 50 years from now, when there's nobody left to make dumplings at home or anywhere else. That will probably mark the end of this tradition/festival/eating habit, unless some really old dude volunteers to teach us how to make "traditional" dumplings.

Mooncakes will probably stay because they're good income. I think they're overpriced though.

Also, barbecued pork.

I'm wondering if any of us should try to get our elders to teach us how to make such things, or how to read the Chinese calendar to not screw up the dates in which we're supposed to provide financial support to our ancestors by, well, burning paper.

It's a rather daunting task to me, to put tradition into consideration among many other things in life, which leads me to conclusion that life is definitely much more complicated than in the past. I may be being lazy here though.

Finally, something has definitely got to explain how my grandmother instinctively knows that a day is the day to burn hell money, especially when she's incredibly forgetful.

Level up.

Oi, just came back to post some new pictures.

I'm in the clear again too. Can start linking me if you want. I'm not forcing you to because, well...

Sometimes we're just too lazy to do anything :P

Anyway, something feels wrong with my blog. Will look into it soon I guess.

Well, the photos. Only one noteworthy, and it's old :|

Then three shots of my cactus, old too :(

Some pictures of clouds, and it's well, old again :'(

There was this story about this photographer working for the press. He was anti-social and the only thing he would ever shoot, aside from what his work requires of him, was the sky.

If I did a comparison with the original photos of the clouds/skies you would be surprised that such colours were not present at the time of the shoot. In fact, such colours are not even all that common with all the right settings and lighting in place. Despite this, just by adjusting the brightness and contrast level of the clouds slightly you get results like the above.

If you ask me, I would say that our eyes are just far too weak for things like that. Then again it may be the Sun, or my camera fails, but I am not going to stop shooting what's above me now.

And hey, drop me some love already. I'm kind of sad because this is like the only blog without users commenting on its posts. Damn, so much for sinking into the abyss.

Influence.

There was this certain period of time during my life when I felt myself being heavily influenced by my surroundings and the people around me, doing things way unimaginable to the present me. It was the cause of many embarrassing incidents, but over the years the impact has gradually lessened.

Then I was quite aware of the kind of influence I had on others. For this I'm greatly relieved by the fact that my brother did not follow in my footsteps. No one should. This isn't the end of it though.

Around a few years ago I met several people whom I had quite a great deal of influence over. Wasn't a bad thing. I had a bunch of ITE students older than me belonging to this group and they got their motivation, though it came from the wrong way - becoming an replication of what influences them. I wouldn't call them exact replicas of myself though, because after all they were older than me, and thus were definitely more matured.

I used to call them photocopy machines.

But of course, among the people I knew back then there were people sitting in my position and yielding influence over me, like Edward, who has been with me for like 6 years already (this is the 7th,) though that includes the periods we fell out and refused to talk to each other, and my ex-classmates in secondary school whom I'd like to say to, that without them I wouldn't be here today.

Right now, the question is; am I still producing copies of myself? Ever since that incident with a bunch of ITE guys, I've been cutting down on communication and squeezing myself into tight groups to contain myself, but no, it didn't stop.

Fortunately the amount of influence wasn't as great as before, but that can be unfortunate as well, as influence is actually capable of ridding bad traits within a person. By experience, a 50:50 usually ends up with a big problem. So I guess my influence may not be a good thing either.

It is actually quite depressing, as opposed to being flattered, to talk to myself or read something that I'd actually write. The world doesn't need two Byan's, or two Neue's or two cream's for the matter. One is enough, and it will always be enough.

ps. Thanks Colin.

Disclaimer (making sure you actually read all of it before this): This post, in no way, proves that I am insane, imagining things, or just plain evil.

Mmm.

I blame you, boss.

Heard about this dude in internship who got his ass kicked when he made a blog post about his internship company.

Of course he said something bad about the company but the company went as far as to wanting to sue the poor dude who, from what I heard, never even swore in his post.

But poor dude is still a dude, so he got away with a F on his cert.

Well, I was expecting pretty much the same type of response to such cases: "Wah, so serious." In my opinion it is a little way TOO serious.

Blogging gets boring when you start adjusting your writing style to suit readers or in this case, companies who fear for their reputation. I am not really talking about freedom of speech here but there is no point writing for someone else when you are writing about yourself.

The company made the wise choice though. Putting him in court will probably spark off another Xedo-like bombardment throughout local blogs.

Guaranteeing your downfall, or something like that.

I would say the guy is both fortunate and unfortunate at the same time. He made a public apology by the way, and no it didn't help. Sometimes even apologies don't help.

Should have like asked the anti-search engine code from me, then he would have been laughing at their cruisers from the abyss of the internet.

Strength.

I still don't remember how many times I felt this surge of determination flow through my mind and body. For a few seconds I could conquer Everest and construct a real nuclear weapon out of cardboard, then it dies down.

Is there any point in having us feel such strong emotions for a duration as short as three seconds? But my purpose here is not to conquer Everest or construct a nuclear bomb for the matter. The little things I'm preparing for require not even the slightest hint of strength and determination, but that's me.

Topping up your EZ Link card, going out to get a pair of new pants or just paying a visit to the nearby fast food restaurant to have a proper meal, these are little things, and little things require little effort.

Saying I'm just lazy is actually an easy way out. Saying I'm going against society is partially true, though pretty much irrelevant. So what?

There will come a time in my life when I can no longer depend on anybody for little things like that, not to say that I'm trying to leech off the people around me, but when that time comes there is definitely going to be a way out for me; there always are.

It is time though, to reconsider something that I've been doing for very long, and this will require a bit more strength than I can muster for little things thrown my way down life's road.

Wish me luck, or grant me strength, even.

The following day.

I spent my Thursday night toying around with my flash banner for my school assignment, then deciding to skip the following day.

Never got around to skipping and wasted 3 hours in classroom without a laptop, also realising that my lecturer has actually sped up the pace of his lessons, causing me to lose out on some information.

That was only the start of my day, and I had to do it with no sleep.

Spent 10 minutes texting fleas if I could borrow his thumbdrive. Elegant refusal comes rush hour. I had to complete some documents required to be submitted along with my assignment and lost my EZ link card inside the library while doing my printing job.

"It's ok guys let's just go."
"How can we go? It's your EZ link card you know."

My flawed judgments. Now I know better. Thank you mates and I love you guys.

I think the most disappointing part of losing my EZ link card is that now 1 or 2 more people in SP would actually recognise me from my photo on the card itself. Then again I'm always changing.

That and my six dollars worth of transport fares.

Things started turning better from that point onwards I guess. Went to Clementi to get my Rubik's and I'm failing hard on that thing since yesterday afternoon. To think I even thought of getting the 4x4 for starters.

From there everything seemed like déjà vu to me. Some of the music that I happened to listen on Cafe Del Mar I did listen to in the past, and it was at an age where I could barely remember myself.

History repeats, and I smell trouble like how I smell soft drinks in the kitchen.

Happy birthday mum.

Worthless.

Stay tuned for another color scheme because lime/dark lime sucks major cock.

So I spent a few days hunting for Cafe Del Mar albums (1 - 14, all of them) and I'm enjoying most of it so far. The music was meant to be played inside a cafe, since Cafe Del Mar is actually a real cafe located somewhere in the world. The albums are compilations of the music they play for their customers and they release one every year, which makes 14 years worth of history.

Most compilations usually die out due to deteriorating quality over successive releases. I did some random browsing to compare the differences between the early compilations of Cafe Del Mar and the later ones. Yeap, the statement did turn out to be true. It's not totally bad though, since Cafe Del Mar started releasing two CDs rather than one from volume 12 onwards, which means double the number of tracks.

Quantity or quality? That is the question.

Oh I forgot to mention that Singapore has its own Cafe Del Mar somewhere in Sentosa, though it looks tainted with bikini faggotry. I hope they will at least leave the ambient music genre untouched. Personally I'm never going to step foot into that place because it's just going to ruin my experience. Would appreciate feedback if any of you do happen to visit that place though.

On a side note, Singapore and relaxation? You're kidding right? Those two words will never fit together in any way, period.

I'm ah lian.

Was toying around with typical Singaporean online messaging, throwing in all the meh's, de's, lah's, leh's and the like, and suddenly I was female. Not original intention.

I decided to pick up a box of chocolate today since I was paying a visit to City Hall. Didn't really make it to the chocolate shop Mark/Ben told me about a year ago, but found another, called The Cocoa Tree and bought a box of dark chocolate on offer R0FL.

I never fail to deliver.

It's also my camera's first trip to the outside world after being brought in. I was distracted by the crowd and couldn't really take the shots I wanted, thus 2/3 generic crap. I'm still in the process of messing around with the contrast and all so no pictures. Will update later.

I checked my school mail's inbox. No sas.workflow (which is the department handling all the absentees and other administration stuff like school fees.) Safe.

Thus I will skip tomorrow, or maybe not. This time I'm doing it for a valid reason though; to finish my assignment due on Friday.

Later d00ds.

ps. Today's trip has opened my eyes. May update blogskin. Stay tuned, maybe.

Boredom.

I'm toying with your tagboard ZW.

Mother's Day.

Actually I wrote a pretty lengthy post around Wednesday and was looking forward to submitting it, but because I have a really small audience here with me, my blog located at the abyss of the internet and pretty much spilling everything to ZW the other day on MSN, I don't think that I should post it anymore.

When I was young, I would wake my mother up in the night after remembering there is still some homework that I forgot to do (either that or the tendency to finish things last minute) and ask for her to keep me accompany. Why? Monsters coming out of the toilet bowl.

Till this day I have not completely gotten over doing things last minute, not like I ever will, but the more depressing part is my reliance on her to provide me with everything I need.

When I was in primary 5 my teacher for the art and craft lesson told us to make a mask out of balloons. I remember rushing to finish up on the assignment a week before the submission date (the assignment required me to wait a while for things to dry etc,) and trying my best to explain that I needed a "special type of glue." She got it and cooked me a pot of starch, stayed up around 2 hours with me and helped me finish my assignment.

Only to discover that after the submission deadline was up, I was the only guy in the class who "knew what to do" and actually produced something.

An hour ago and I was still asking my mother to help me with my assignments, though this time round I only required an envelope.

These are some things that I will accidentally bury or forget over time. I am not worried about it though, because all that is important to me right now is to appreciate the only mother I can ever have in this life (though yeah I am always trying to escape this responsibility.)

Happy Mother's Day.

ps. The assignment given to me was pretty fun. I am going to try doing it again someday.

Confessions... at 3.

I skipped and I'm going to skip.

There are some things about myself that I don't understand recently, like why staying at home is preferable to going somewhere else despite not wanting to come back after leaving, or why my hair is full of so much dandruff even though I've been washing it with anti-dandruff shampoo.

I think the amount of dandruff I have is making me dumb. Does dandruff make you dumb?

Then of course the usual applies, like why do I have to let go of something only to pester myself with the same issue hourly without fail and even when I'm doing something else to force it out of my mind. Letting go is of course not forcing it out of your mind but believe me I got the hang of letting go already. Maybe I'm doing something wrong?

Continuing from my previous post about my lack of motivation for the umpteenth time, no nevermind.

There are a lot of broken ends and knots I have to tie up, but the problem is that there are so many and they're so difficult that I don't know where or how to begin.

It's nearly 4 now.

All the wrong things.

I think about my future and ask myself if I'm capable of breaking into the industry successfully. It's very possible, pretty easy, but no it's not what I'm looking for.

By now it's pretty much hard coded into everybody's brain that upgrading yourself is essential to prove yourself competent among the new graduates when you grow older. There are varying degrees of demand for upgrading though. In my future kind of industry upgrading is definitely needed, and tough.

Which is why I don't think it's worth it to pursue something that I'm not quite sure if I'm hardworking or motivated enough to do so.

In short, wrong course.

Recently I've begun to resent the very people I grew up with. Closing towards the line.

In short, wrong place to call home.

Camera sucks.

In long, bought the wrong camera.

Oh yeah I'm invulnerable nowadays. Can't rage at what you can't see.

Against the wall.

Hi. I think the new layout is self-explanatory.

This is one of my favourite layouts from way back, and I specifically took the time to recode it from scratch, adherring to the standards of strict XHTML and CSS 2.1, there you go.

One major improvement over the original version was that the headings are no longer cut off in IE. Putting my recent reformat into good use, I ran this skin with the IE version that came with a new Windows XP SP2 installation, and yeap, no problems except for the post title icon transparency.

What I really liked about this skin is its flexibility - there's always room for improvement, especially when it comes to the aesthetic aspect. I will probably demonstrate this once I have enough time and motivation on my hands.

And of course it has its flaws, such as the tiny font you're staring at now which will probably make your eyes hurt later, but that, of course, can be fixed with a few tweaks. Not now though.

This skin is also designed with distribution in mind. Change a few values and you will get your blog spanning across 2 monitors horizontally. This is the flexibility that comes along with simplicity.

Enjoy, and till my next post.

He who doesn't move with time.

Everybody has moved on.

I too, moved on, albeit unconsciously.

What we are afraid of, is not being able to move on, but to have nothing to reclaim once we step forward with our backs turned. Life becomes a stale process of marching forward while leaving nothing behind.

But they left something behind even as they moved past seconds, while I was quick to incinerate and bury, leaving nothing but imperishable needles of thought always jabbing the back of my soul, slowly wasting away.

How is that different? All that is lost is a piece of history we will never be able to re-live or re-experience. Time robs us of our neighbours, while circumstances force separation. Who, in the world, has the time, and the will to go against everything, to remain part of your present, and still risk losing their way in the mist of tomorrow? That alone makes cherishing superfluous, aside for sentimental value or as masochistic practice.

How does one live as such? Not only has moving on became a stale process of treading on bodies broken under the sheer weight of your feet, it also brought about the inability to change for the better. It is evident the moment you realised the resemblance. You remembered his name and you tried to recall him, using faces from the past to match up with one that underwent so much more than you could ever imagine, transforming him into the stranger of the present.

He moved on. You moved on, too, but you haven't changed.

A minute of pleasure saves a man the pain of the next hour, and a minute of pain ensures that the next extends with double the duration. We were made to remember more bad things than good, but we go to far greater lengths to cremate the former than to preserve the latter. Was it meant to be a flaw in our hearts, or was it a step meant for us to overcome?

No matter what, night will fall, and we will be forced to make our decisions in the dark. There is no right or wrong, and every different approach is, in their own way, a form of welcoming tomorrow. Sometimes it may yield less than what we expect in the long run, but with time comes motion, and therefore we will keep moving on, no matter how slow it may be, towards our unique solutions.

ps. I hope it's not too chim.

Wayward.

Been working around with a few blog skins that I created templates for a long time back, but never got around to completing them.

I used that as an excuse for myself to skip school today, and so far I'm pretty impressed with my own dedication to seeing my latest piece nearing completion within an hour or so.

Have a look.

Creating something that works for everybody is impossible in most cases, so we seek opinions, go by the majority, or establish a balance between the two extreme ends if possible.

I left the background undecided along with the title (I was never good at naming my stuff so they went by untitled 1, untitled 2, untitled 3, etc,) so yeah, drop me some love or feedback on those issues.

Koaliting.

Flowers are blooming again. Last time I checked it was 6 years ago.

Lately there's been nothing much going on in my mind other than the perfect picture stored in bytes of information. Coincidentally grandmother came up for a visit, but due to my plain laziness in recharging batteries the camera refused to release the shutter for me.

When I came out of my bathroom the light was still orange and she's already leaving.

Been trying to finish several books I left untouched. Will also update this page along with things I'm catching on daily.

Later.

Koalition.

Koalition.

It's my latest audiofeed. A quick google also reveals some very interesting sites, such as the first one.

Colision.

I haven't really established a keen interest in design so I'm still not very comfortable with several modules I'm taking this semester. I'll have to see how it goes.

Also, the original intention today was to buy a good book that will keep me occupied during periods of stoning but somehow it's just too difficult to find a store that caters to that.

Portraits.

A person underexposed to the daily lives of people both young and old tends to appreciate his own, while a person overexposed to it finds it all meaningless.

Every little thing people do is significant to me, partly because I haven't been going out much since young. One tends to be a lot more observant in my situation, and it feels like your senses are not enough to take everything around you with you down the road.

It is somewhat similar to being oversensitive to a point, and every time when I am out there there is always the regret of not having my camera with me to pin down the exact moment of the most primitive human emotion displayed before my eyes.

That is what portraits are all about - the most basic form of human emotion triggered by what the person is doing and not by the camera. I have learned a few lessons regarding photography dealing with people and emotive messages, that most of the time, when you are out there to capture a moment, like a great smile, a drop of tear or an expression of pain, always take before you ask.

Our tables.

I had a trip to some POSB branch to get my address changed. When it was time to do my thumbprint, instead of using the small flat surface in front of her which would require her to extend her arms fully to reach, she wrapped the form around my IC and pressed my thumb on it instead.

At the market, I called out for a bowl of chicken porridge, while she grabbed a small slip of paper, placed it against the side of the bowl and began writing my order on it.

It's both amazing and amusing to see how people adapt to their table-less environment.

That aside, people watching is one of my favorite pastimes. Wastes time? Yes (that's why it's a pastime.) Meaningless? Maybe.

Nothing better to do? No.

Part of the reason why I like to do people watching is because of the many different ways each individual reacts to a situation that applies to us all. Say, for example, when you're rushing to your lessons, what kind of facial expression do you put on unconsciously? We may look harried, or annoyed, or we may look as if nothing is going on. Each and everyone of us reacts to it in his/her own way, and it is through people watching that you will be able to have a clear look of everybody in many different situations.

That, and my belief in a quote stated in a book that I started not too long ago, "eyes are the windows to the soul."

Mmm.

Back to wonderland.

One thing I'm really grateful for yesterday is not having to endure the same bad experience of hating every part of going back to school after a long holiday. Was it because I've grown up since then, was it because I tried to cope with it, or was it just simply because anything goes and I don't really care?

I'm somewhat excited about the things I'm going to learn this year, craploads, but somehow social issues always find their way into what was originally an enjoyable experience, turning it into a nightmare.

Me: "You're going to teach me how to use a camera! Great!"
Lecturer: "Get into groups of 6 first."
Me: "Not great."

Sometimes it's really a pain in the ass to deal with situations like these and what makes it more troublesome is having a bunch of guys sitting around clueless and not knowing what to do next because they are not in any group. That's why we have peer pressure and the "follow-my-friend-anywhere" practice.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not being anti-social and it's not like I'm socially inept. Things like groupings or whatever are okay and I'm perfectly fine with it. The fault lies with either the point of doing it or the people involved in it.

Then again I wasn't one to indulge in reality, that's why I'm here in front of the computer, and this is wonderland.

But just to voice out my honest opinions, learning is great as long as I don't have to be reminded of Singapore, which, well, makes me unpatriotic, but I was never raised to be a patriot in the first place.

And to flakk's point of Singapore being clean, green, bl0rg - no deal. We're as screwed as the afternoon sun.

Speaking of which, it's harder to manage something twenty times the size of Singapore no? Singapore is not only small, it's tiny, which I believe is part of the reason why we're so successful because it's easier to plan out everything when you're only working on something, well, tiny.

Great. Now I'm dying to finish my education and national service so I can get out of this place.

EDIT: I'm most probably skipping school today too being my 2nd day and all (I always skip the 2nd day after school reopens.) I may go, but yeah most probably not. I'm a little afraid of falling behind, but I guess I'll catch up eventually or something.

That aside, have some photos I promised.







Feel free to comment on them as I enabled comments once again. I've been planning to do that since a long time ago though, just never got around to it.

Drop me some love yeah. Thanks in advance.

Moozic.

I'm an audiophile and nomad combined.

Have a Malay song.

Was telling myself 6 hours ago to sleep early in preparations for today's "final hour." Didn't turn out so well getting glued onto the monitor screen by delicious mindfuck.

Hey, I liked that man. It leaves me detached from what's around me; something I can really get used to.

Anyway yes, in other news, I recommend "The Pursuit to Happyness" to anybody who hasn't watched it yet. Class rep did a short movie review about it. Not very impressive stuff but, hey, take a break from all those action movies for a while.

Finally, I noticed it's been a while since I posted some photos. I do have some sitting around and I'll upload when I can be bothered to open my laptop.

Good night even though it's morning.

Phobia.

Quoting quotes from someone, school is like, a second home to us students. Whether exactly the purpose of the quote was irony or sarcasm I do not know, but here are my experiences.

Since young (from my first day at kindergarden in fact,) I've been afraid of school. It meant separation from the comforts of home and my mother; it meant going to a place faraway where you are alone, clueless and lost; it meant isolation. I cried every morning to kindergarden, cried during assembly, cried during classroom, though at the end of the day I was always smiling, after realising that, hey, it wasn't that bad. There were times when I felt like I could just sneak away during break, run away back home. I did eventually, though not because school sucks, instead I was excused for some really silly reason that I couldn't remember.

Primary school was the start of my social nightmare. My primary one teacher was a tigress. At the end of my primary school education she left teaching, and I thought she wasn't that bad then, until my crush told me that the tigress threw her textbook down to the ground level when she wasn't paying attention. All the way throughout primary school, I had friends I guess, but none was trustworthy enough until primary six. He called me after our primary school education too, but stopped after secondary two. Some of the nasty things I experienced was having booted out of pair work on submission date and being repeatedly told off and shunned by a lot of people because of my crying habits, but yeah there were people who were nice to me and I'm glad I could still remember them.

Secondary school another fucking nightmare despite having met some of the greatest friends I could ever have. I don't want to talk about it.

Now polytechnic mainly because I can't stand the people there. It's not anybody I'd like to be around with. That's why I hate school.

With the last few years being social reasons I've made plans to be socially independent. It's pretty hard when you're alone, but you know you're free and you know you're always one step ahead of others when it comes to being distracted.

Also I have to say part of the reason why I hate school is because I hate schedules and I hate doing work, which is, well, every human being's nightmare. I also hate the afternoon sun and I hate Singapore for it. Shit man if you can go to Philippines and experience the afternoon sun there I tell you you'd hate Singapore too.

Life is sad, but let us enjoy it. My latest motivational message.

Love you guys, later.

Updatan.

I moved my clock nearer to my left hand side. I am now closer to time.

I'm still playing NS.

I haven't been killing any titans with spearlocs nowadays mainly because after I finished my spearlocs one of them kids will restart their connection to the router and disconnect me for like 5 seconds.

I'm still very sad.

I feel annoyed when anybody mentions school because it is only a week away. I've always been like this since primary school. Bear with me.

I had a talk with my good friend in the army and he just buffed me up with level 10 motivation to work hard for year 2.

I had a quarrel with fleas because of a slight misunderstanding (I think,) though admittedly I was really pissed and said something that I shouldn't. Then again I don't see why I should put up with him since I was the one who initiated the match request and did the player hunting. Next time I'll just play with my friends from Hong Kong and say nothing to him.

Life is sad when you're living with kids and waiting for them to grow up.

I hated rice so much that I skipped the rice and ate the chicken instead. Mother let me off, finally.

No, I haven't been working on my new blogskin.

I love you guys for being there for me. You know who you are, but this is the internet.

Lately I realised I've been a little harsh with words, so bear with me on this too.

Shotguns are cool.

Nothing much.

Sorry Ed.

Isolation.

Asking why you're always alone in this world is like eating everything you have and asking why there is no food left.

True? Maybe.

I just had a talk with one of my old "best friends" back during secondary school. Wasn't really anybody near the idea of a real best friend but the closest to my life so far.

He asked if I made any new friends.

What was really problematic here was figuring out a way to tell him that the people I know currently are nowhere near the "friend" status. All they do is leech, suck and leech more.

Then it struck me, why am I still alone after all these years?

One thing I realised from a pretty lengthy conversation with him (intended purpose was to ask which server he was playing CabalSEA on but, hell,) was the gap between us and reality.



Is that why I'm always feeling so far away, so hard to reach by people?

Up till this very moment, do I have a friend whom I understand more than how the universe works, whom I can believe in more than superior beings out there directing us to our own destruction?

Sometimes I even doubt myself, asking if I'm too detached from reality. I'm unable to associate myself with mainstream music, news, movies, shit. When it comes down to interaction, nothing works out because what I'm saying to you you don't know and what you're saying to me I don't care.

So if one is unable to find someone worth talking to, worth walking with, that pretty much destroys every aspect of social life.

No, it's not like I don't have any friends. I do, but I can never fit myself in because we're in different worlds. We speak using different languages and what I want is not for taking.

Where the hell are you, my friend?

Girl 1, 2 and... 1.5?

Had one of those 'yellowish' dreams today about, well, girl 1.5.

Of course, I knew everybody in the 'yellow world.' It was a classroom.

A classroom mixed with people I knew at some point of my life.

One particularly 'forgotten' girl I had a crush on made her debut in my dreams. She was the closest girl I ever got to in a relationship, but I was too thickheaded back then, failing to understand the 'love language' behind her every word.

We parted ways after primary school, never even bothering to keep any form of contact with each other.

What's left of her, now, in the present, is the first and most memorable entry in my 'journal,' which I used to give to my friends back then to write themselves in. Yeh, I still have it.

Today, in the 'yellow world,' Febuary 14, Valentine's, she made the first move, like she did back then, though this time it was physical, rather than just a phone call, while yours truly, suffering from a running nose, decided to turn her down because he was dangerously afraid of showing her his mucus.

The thing was that he was covering his chin, not his nose.

This time, I made amends.

A bell rang from inside, and everybody vanished instantly. I exited the classroom, stepped into the shop next door and picked a stalk of yellow flower. My mind hesitated, and then I started looking for a rose.

Rose. 瑰. A red one, besides being a way to express your love for another, is, coincidentally, tied to her Chinese name, which I was only able to establish a link to after so many years.

Long ago, I have always loved ang ku kuehs (those reddish... things on pandan leaves with bits of peanuts or some yellowish... cream wrapped up inside,) because it was tied to her Chinese name as well. I remember telling my mother back then about how I would like to marry her, and my mother will simply laugh at me asking if I meant to marry or to propose.

It was hard to put on a strong front when she was around. I was weak back then, and I was teased for being unable to confess like a man. One fine day, she called me, we had a talk, and then I had, by far, my greatest screwup in a relationship with a girl.

But alas, no red roses. This was probably the strongest impact she left on me after parting, and having nothing work out at all between us.

Loss. Sense of loss. That's what it is.

I 'forgot' all about it, in other words, buried. But no, she rose from the grave in which she had laid quietly in for the past 6 years, and infiltrated me.

Today, I'm once again defeated by my past, by myself, and if I dare admit to it, by love.

ps. May not update blog skin.

We will live to see another day.

Unrelated title related to last night's alien horde.

Actually I got my new blog skin up and ready to replace this fairly old design but no, things just didn't seem right, thus the need to withdraw it back. How should I explain it hmm...

Well, Mona Lisa without her smile.

I have a tendency to keep things simple, but sometimes when things happen to be too simple something just feels terribly wrong with it. That's exactly what's happening right now.

Anyway yes, I discovered a few new toys to go along with my new blog skin. While I'm not going to use the new skin, I'm going to bring the toys over to use with this "antique" and do a few changes in the process to improve readability, usability, blah blah...

Typical words you hear from designers. I'm far from being one, but will be getting close soon ;)

I'll edit this post once I'm done with the new changes, and then I'll share my toys with you people.

Too generous or can't be bothered?

After that incident with water dweller saying things he shouldn't, I've been thinking a lot about how it ended.

One of the major drawbacks of talking to people who are, well, like him, is that you eventually get tired of repeating points you've been trying to get across for the past hour or so, thus to keep things simple, I replied little.

Anyway, for those curious about how it ended, his last words were something like "just forget about it."

In what position was he given the right to say that?

I'm not criticising him by the way, but sometimes it's better to know the position you're in before you actually say something. That time round he was the one at fault, so telling the other guy to "forget about it" seems completely ridiculous to me.

Of course, he apologised, but that's about all one can, and should, do when they're well, rightfully wrong. If you have a need to explain yourself, do it, but keep other unrelated things off when doing so. Saying something that one shouldn't while apologising gives the idea that he already knows you're going to forgive him, which, well, defeats the purpose of apologising in the first place.

The reason why we apologise is to ask for forgiveness, not to expect the other party to forgive us. This, of course, would mean that I would then have the right to choose whether to forgive him or not.

In my case, I did, but he probably expected that, thus the unneeded comments at the end. That's what I don't like about people like him. It's somewhat an extreme case of an introvert.

It's hard to judge people really, but I do it in this case simply because I can and I know him well enough. Judge me as well, but know that I was simply too lazy to argue with illogical statements and well yeah I said it before.

Yeah, so, I thought I was being too generous back then, turns out I wasn't feeling hardworking enough to argue with him. We then had this heaty argument about mouse acceleration yesterday and he basically showed me that something "up to personal preference" means something bias to him.

No, dude, you weren't "probably being bias." You were bias. Now figure that out already.

ps. Naw not screwing up matters, just another self-reflection session. +1 to awareness.

Google, my best friend.

Here.

WARNING: Highly artistic content.

The Annual Gamer Awards

Might want to do something like the above you know, or make it a monthly thing even.

- Most useless player
- Innovator
- Most censorship required (most vulgar player)
- Egolord

ID:
- Titan slayer
- Super titan
- Most gold stolen (excluding Satyrs :/)

Bships:
- Pang seh king

Enfo:
Nothing much...

CF:
- Chinaman (most valuable unit spammer)
- Lord of death pits (most death pits. I know, this is for me.)

Of course not forgetting my own ZT:
- Most epic army
- Zombie slayer
- Zombie food

Finally the most prestigious award:
- Chatmaster

Yeh I was just bored.

Retrospection.

It's a little hard to get people to start talking properly, especially when one is blinded by anger or misconceptions, that sometimes even when everything is logical, they just don't make any sense out of it.

Actually, this happens all the time with people who think they've grown enough, heard enough and copied enough, and there's not really a specific age group they belong in.

It really spoils the point of a conversation, when the opposite party does nothing more than reverse-word-playing. What's usually more aggravating is when you're speaking facts, statistics, truth, while all they say is simply the same moot point using different words.

To be honest I did everything I could to keep things under control, to the extent of giving way and saving them from apologising, but human nature, unfortunately, demands more.

It's just the way everything was supposed to be, giving and giving it all. People often get misled by great deeds done by others, while the smaller deeds tend to get overlooked. I kinda took it to my stride that almost everybody's perception was originally shallow anyway, so I guess there's nothing much to expect from this area. I am unable to comprehend how shallow people who shared my blood are, though.

Maybe I'm just incapable of letting go of the mistakes that happened in my life, but I definitely know more since I maintained neutral when the problem became huge. That is not something someone who has simply sticked onto one side can easily say and prove, and it's evident in their speech too, for when one gets too obsessed, one overlooks mistakes of his own and the subject of his obsession - thus the biasness present in every single word they say, every action they do.

For one who does not control his speech, or use it fluently enough to bring out his points in a proper argument, instead resorting to evasive tactics, problems never get solved.

It's a little hard to understand, but so what if I'm a little more fluent in English, all I'm capable of understanding is a few more words, a little less confusion. When it comes to reasoning, I do it simply because I'm able to prove it - that alone, is what many people lack, and I find it incredibly disturbing.

But why make things hard for myself, since I'm already tired of ignorance preceding every single issue that's happening within my closest social circle. All it takes is a little more reflection, a little more thinking, a little more consideration, instead of just being superficial and looking at everything as if the fact that they're wrong simply mean they must be wrong.

Where is your right to judge, if you're not directly involved. Where is your right to decide if a person who doesn't work is useless. Where is your right to think so lowly of anyone, if, for all that you say, you cannot prove and are just based on what you can see on the surface? Thus shallow, thus superficial, thus flawed.

I think I've said enough regarding today's conversation, though admittedly I was disappointed because it's really hard to talk to someone who doesn't wish to speak properly.

What a person gains from interacting, another may make up for the time he spends thinking. The only difference is that when it boils down to one argument, the interactives sprout nonsense without base. The thoughtfuls?

Cold, solid proof.

ps. Everything I have lies beyond what I currently have now, not excluding my 'family,' if I were to be given a chance to truly regard them as one once again.

Thanks a lot, ZW, you saved me from temporary psychosis.

Swapped.

The end of v3?

Natural Selection post.

Watching the ENSL is like watching a highly strategized EPL - basically Europeans at war with each other, minus the ball, plus weapons and aliens. Just a few hours ago I had privileged access to a scrim played between v3 and random pub players, then sat in HLTV for the finals of division 2, v3 versus sR.

Why the emphasis on team names? It's something that we Singapore players lack - a huge player base. Admittedly we did drove away many noobs to prevent our 'monopoly' from being dominated, but now that most of the veterans are gone after repelling the influx of newbies, the Singapore community is as good as dead.

It wasn't a bad thing though, since we emphasized on having high standards of playing and skills, more than just laming around with overpowered upgrades and completely devastating the other team leaving us nothing more than pubgods who are unable to improve themselves. It's somewhat a painful process for newbies to become as good as the veterans; 0.1% may take just a month to become as good, if not better, while most others belonging to at least 75% of the population, discouraged from the steep learning curve and the overzealous defending of the veterans on standards higher than any Korean, give up halfway.

Anyway, watching ENSL makes you want to dive into the fun and prove yourself worthy. Call it a revival. It's seriously nostalgic when you watch a marine run around the map during a scrim, and even though you could hear a skulk creeping up on him through his ears, he doesn't, and he gets killed.

"Fuck, I could hear that bitch! Are you deaf?"

Natural Selection is a very special game when it's played competitively. Unlike *cough* camperstrike *cough* where everything is decided by one or two 'star' players, having the team cover each other properly, or just spamming headshots, Natural Selection demands a lot in terms of being capable to make sound decisions yourself, heavily prioritizing your actions to save the most time for the most productivity, getting to a point faster than anybody can and of course, doing your part in a team. Natural Selection is not a one man game - it requires each and every person on the team to know how to act accordingly even when not given orders to, and making sure that each person work out to complement one another and the team towards victory.

So at the very end, if defeat follows, everybody is at fault, no matter how many you killed or how many times you died.

v3, known for their good planning before matches, screwed up badly today. Reason stated by Ivan, the clan leader, was simply because the good players weren't there. Halfway through the first round, v3 marines forgot to keep sR aliens' resources under control, eventually resulting in mass Fades blinking around the map with fully upped Focus, killing everybody.

Second round I was wanking.

Third round, I witnessed one of v3's weaker players rage quitting the game AND the clan, due to another v3's bitching about how badly it went and blaming it on him. One of v3's better players substituted him after that and gave some hope to a now totally demoralised team, only to screw up badly again.

Three v3 members quit due to incessant bitching, while 3 more are leaving this season, which leaves 5 of them as a clan - 1 short to play competitively.

A pity really, since Ivan told me he has been working hard this season, trying to get past the division finals, only to be held back by the better players scheduling their time for the match but not turning up. Oh did I mention that v3 players are actually very friendly people from the other side of the world?

A pity indeed.

Blarg.

Warning: Somewhat of a tech-related post.

Had to recrack my version of Windows Vista and thus lost the Aero theme or whatever shit you call it, though I'm happier with the classic theme on my desktop because it keeps things simple.

Anyway, while hunting for methods to align my sidebar to the top instead of at the side, I stumble across this thread whose author did a comparison between Vista's sidebar and Klipfolio 4. Good alternative if you don't have Vista or just want two graphical faggotry bars on each side of your screen.

Klipfolio is a mini-dashboard on your desktop, somewhat similar to the dashboard that gives you instant access to your blogs when you log into Blogger. Though I haven't personally tried out that program yet (and probably won't since I'm lazy,) it seems to have a lot of custom 'Klips' you can play around with (in Vistaland we call them gadgets,) and has a lot more customizing power than the Vista's sidebar.

All that for 1 MB. Comparing the amount of resources Vista's sidebar hogs in comparison to Klipfolio will probably make you wonder how shitty M$ coding capabilities are, too.

Bah whatever.

That guy who did the comparison mentioned he had a post-graduate degree in creative writing, which is a surprise because I didn't expect creative writing was something that you could teach -_-, what's more, a degree!?

Sometimes it's all there when you're born man... sometimes.

Anyway it's pretty much what I'd expect from my storyboarding module I took during my first year, though I still think creativity is inborn and may be lost permanently if not exercised frequently.

Not looking forward to second year in shitty polytechnic with shitty environment, shitty timetable, shitty classmates and shitty requirements for more creativity.

I am now really, really sad and depressed.

My greatest fear.

I fear I may end up like Ed Gein's brother.

SHOOT!

I need da pokeymans!

Byan's toast recipes.

WARNING: Food post.

Everyone who knows me well should be aware of the fact that I can't cook, bake, fry or steam anything, not even instant noodles.

Despite that, however, my head is always full of crazy ideas when it comes to cooking, even though I'm not anywhere near any of you, neither can I bake a cake like mani (the NS mani. He bakes cakes, cookies and a whole lot of tasty shit, though I can only eat them with my eyes.) I can still toast bread :)

So I tried my luck since I was bored and all, played around with whatever I could find in the fridge along with our uber durable toaster that lasted for like 10 years. Today I'm proud to present my first (and probably last) 5 recipes made of fail, win and a whole lot of love from yours truly.

Note: All recipes involve two pieces of bread, toasted using some ancient Breville toaster.

#1 - Peanut butter toast.

Ingredients:
- Oozy peanut butter
Toasted for: 5 minutes.

Important notes: May want to try other brands of peanut butter.

Do not attempt. Maybe it's just my brand of peanut butter but it failed hard because it didn't melt during toasting. The peanut butter got stuck onto a thin layer of bread and I could just pull it off. Hard to eat too, since it sticks everywhere in your mouth. Roasted peanuts can be tasted through this epic failure of toasts worldwide. Never touched peanut butter after this either.

#2 - Chocolate toast.

Ingredients:
- Nutella chocolate
Toasted for: 4 minutes.

Important notes: Too much will result in vomiting.

Very good. Yes, it's very good. One of the main advantages of eating a chocolate toast over a chocolate bun is that you won't mind drinking water after eating, which is good because chocolate is heaty.


No individual pictures for the below ones because I was too hungry. Sorry folks.

#3 - Tuna and cheese toast.
Ingredients:
- Ayam brand mayo-tuna
- NTUC Fairprice cheese
Toast for: 5 minutes.

Important notes: May want to try with other flavors of tuna. I personally prefer the NTUC Fairprice cheese because it's cheap and doesn't taste like machinery.

Not bad. Cheese makes a good ingredient in my toasts because after toasting it melts like butter and becomes liquid-like. May want to throw in some canned mushrooms too - I have a feeling those will be epic.

#4 - Tuna and cheese toast with chilli.
Ingredients:
- Ayam brand mayo-tuna
- NTUC Fairprice cheese
- Macdonald's garlic chilli sauce packet
Toast for: 5 minutes.

Important notes: May want to substitute Macdonald's garlic chilli sauce with something else. May want to add mushrooms like above.

Now here's one I finally gave a few thoughts as to what to use before toasting. I thought of using sweet chilli sauce instead of garlic but hell, I don't even know if they expired already. To play safe I just used the garlic chilli sauce. It's better than the tuna and cheese toast simply because it boasts more flavor with the chilli added.

#5 - Chocolate cheese toast.
Ingredients:
- Nutella chocolate
- NTUC Fairprice cheese
Toasted for: 6 minutes.

Important notes: 65% chocolate, 35% cheese for maximum win. (WARNING: Rough gauge. May taste like shit.)

As suggested by my mother. Despite the awkward combination, this thing tastes better than your average chocolate toast. Don't know how to describe this but there's a little bit of saltiness thrown in and, depending on how much chocolate you use, can be incredibly tasty or incredibly disgusting.

---

Well I don't really see myself toasting anymore bread using new recipes. Maybe when I'm bored or something.

Yeah that's about all. Try them out though, since they're tested and proven.

Full of it continued.

Results are ok. 2 distinctions, no modules failed.

Let me elaborate why lack of common sense disgusts me.

I'm doing programming so shit involves solving problems in the quickest and easiest method. I'm playing Natural Selection where time is crucial to victory.

I know not everybody does programming, but surely they can figure the below out:

Situation: You're somewhere else while your spawn is getting bitten down by 1 skulk. You're currently fighting a skulk which is more interested in holding you up than taking you down.

1) Kill the skulk, get back to base by foot and risk having the skulk in your spawn hear you running back and ambushing you.
2) Kill the skulk, walk a little to the phase gate that will allow you to instantly phase back to base, throwing in an element of surprise too.

It's a no-brainer. You don't have to do fucken programming to figure that out. Worst of all by running back to base the retard risked having a fade take him down, but unfortunately the fade was retarded as well.

Fast-forward a few minutes into another attempt to take down the hive, mines given out and all. Retard cries for mines when there's nobody left at the hive. I told him to phase in and use his fucken grenades, he phased, he shot using his retarded machine gun, he died, he cried.

Retard: "we can't hold etc etc BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MINEZZZZ ZOMFG WTF"

Mines take 4 seconds to fully activate (which is, to explode on contact.) Grenades involve pulling the trigger and jumping into a phase gate for instant explosion.

Where is your common sense?

Unfortunately it was the same dude who fought me on 2x2 squares so it went somehow like this:

Me: "MINES WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN FUCKING PLANT?"
Retard: "OK"
Retard has left the game.

Should get it into his head sometime that nobody cares if he rage quits. It's good for the team anyway.

---

Next, fleas.

I probably expected that but I couldn't really be bothered. Firstly, he's over-sensitive, secondly, he's an introvert, and thirdly, he's insensitive to other people's feelings.

Winning combination? Ultimate faggot.

A bit of the inside story, he's always crying about me saying this saying that, hurting his feelings and all. Shit can't take a joke. Fine by that. I apologised, I made amends, I became careful with my words around that guy. Now that he said something wrong, he should be the one apologising, but he didn't. So it's a little bit of unfair treatment I guess, since I'm the only one always doing all the shitty work.

Did I mention that he doesn't like helping me out with school work? Dude comes crying to me when he needs programming help though.

Another one of his flaws would be his overzealous worshiping of SniperB. Worship? Not a problem. Overzealous worship? Big problem. Dude is willing to close one eye when it comes to major flaws in SniperB's character, and still accuse another for having the same flaws.

Another winning combination? Hypocritical lackey.

That guy even once denied having met me at all. If you were on the receiving end what would you have felt? Depressed? Angry, in my case, while I put up with his retarded longing for the ancient times when everybody has already moved on.

This time round it's none of my fault simply because he went overboard and used one of the words I specifically told him to restrict himself from using when he's around me. Those words are reserved for times when I'm/he's really angry (being the internet and all.)

I gave him leeway. Moved away from the game and made things easier for others (otherwise I would have strangled them into booting him out.) Then something happened that night which eventually got him a permanent removal from existence.

Anyway I think I've given enough. It's a little hard giving something away and then leave, knowing you'll have no more chances to take anything back, but at least I gained one less fucker to live with for the rest of my life.

Well, the point of mentioning him in here is because we're in the same course and we know each other in reality.

A pity indeed, but I don't think I'm the one losing out by making this decision.

Now... time to clean up.

Full of it.

Could have finished like, everything, last night, but wasn't really in the mood since I got pissed off so I'm leaving it at part 1. Need some time to remember what I wanted to say.

Fuck yeah. Blogskin's old already. Yes, it's too bloody old even though it hasn't been a year since I last switched.

Just bored really. Was working on something new when I gave up because it was simply too tedious to make it work for every single monitor resolution out there. Fuck compatibility sometimes.

Brainstorm, work new ideas out and fucking pin them down in MSPaint. Hell yeah. Hell lazy. Need more inspiration. Need more motivation.

Used to keep track of vectors to do only to have the list pile up slowly over time. Now the shit in my list would probably be enough for me to work all the way till next year, but I LOST IT. So, it doesn't matter anymore.

As for photos I've got quite a few more to share but I'm just too lazy to turn on my laptop and upload them.

Did I mention that I got too lazy to look for new subjects for my photos, too?

Bored, lazy, hungry man is bored, lazy, hungry.

Oh yeah results out around 6 hours. Will post once I receive it. I expect epic win.

7PM Part 1

The amount of time I receive everyday is never enough.

24 hours is relatively short and easy to pass. 24 is a small number.

Especially when it comes to deadlines, even idling around and doing nothing make 24 hours seem too short to handle everything for the remaining days.

Talk about time wasting.

It is also harder for someone who associates daily routines with deadlines. Tomorrow morning can be one, for example, when you have to go to work. If it's 8PM now, you have around 12 hours left. If a day consisted of 48 hours, you would have had 24.

Though that's the superficial side of the issue, yes.

Thinking out of the box, we humans experience flow of time in a completely screwed up way simply because we are always on a rollercoaster ride. What makes us able to control our urge to throw up will be measuring it with seconds, minutes, hours, or days. Even so, there will definitely be mornings when you felt as if things sped up a little, seconds increasing two by two, and nights that seem to take forever to illuminate.

Then there is my problem of doing nothing while complaining. Back then while studying time wasn't enough. Now, it is my holiday period, I have nothing to do, I idle, time still isn't enough.

What is more terrible is having to find a way to pass it without idling. Once a game is found, much excitement is generated, but during the installation, your mind is provoked, then the game becomes boring to play through, you give up and it is time to stone again.

Time will never be enough.

Feed me, but never judge if I'm right or wrong.

Tech-related post. (Note: Click on the images to view the full image.)

Since my 'downgrade' to Windows Vista, as a lot of people would say, I've had my own fair share of problems dealing with the way Windows Vista handles administrator privileges and access simply because Vista just became a whole lot better for newbies. I no longer have access to change folder properties as I wish or even install programs without having to run several commands using the command prompt, unlike in Windows XP when everything is under your control.

Call me a control freak, but for someone who sits in front of his monitor to work, play and idle or even sleep and eat, control is necessary.

Just today I had difficulties trying to solve problems related to administrator rights on Windows Vista, for 7 hours straight. The downside to novelty is having little or no support for whatever problems you may encounter, so all the while I was digging up error codes that M$ did not include in their support center on other forums, looking for users with similar problems and trying out thousands of methods in order to get Vista working the way I want it to work.

It's actually retarded in some sense, since I enabled the built-in Administrator account which was supposed to provide me with literally absolute total control over my computer, only to realise that a normal user would have even more access rights to almost everything on the system.

Not to bash those who actually managed to get Windows Vista working without problems, but Windows Vista by default, in my opinion, is Windows XP for dummies.

Despite the above however, one can never deny the delicious eye-feast brought to us by Windows Vista... at the cost of system memory. On a 2GB ram, Windows Vista takes up at least 30% system memory on idle, which translates to 600MB.


Welcome to the graphical faggotry that is Vista.

Thought you could survive on your puny 512MB yeah?

Windows Vista also provides you with an extra-sized sidebar for you to download gadgets which can display CPU information, pictures or even a text area for you to jot down your notes. It's not such a bad thing if you're willing to take the time to hunt down useful gadgets like I did, but for those who really want to take the load off their RAM, it's undeniably one of the greatest obstacles.

There are also a few more bad points to note however, such as Windows Vista not being capable of supporting legacy programs even with the compatibility mode, or installing itself with bundled useless crap that you might not be using for another 5 years, or having your thumbnails appear as default icons until you hunt down the option to enable thumbnails, or getting used to the ridiculously-sized icons, the new interface, the new control panel, the new start menu...




I am a creature of habit, which is why the above proved to be quite a pain in the ass for me to adjust to sometimes.

For the next two hours I spent my time running around the internet gathering all sorts of free anti-spyware/malware/virus/trojan/rootkit software and took the time to try out each of them.

Now the problem with such anti-spyware/malware/... softwares is that, sometimes they don't like just waiting by the fence for your trash to reach them, which will eventually end up with them judging what is right and wrong for you - and taking actions to clear out whatever THEY are not happy with.

We all know pirated softwares and video games are usually tied to internet spam or pr0n. This however, should not be the case for freewares misused to stimulate piracy. For example, any softwares that emulate virtual drives for you to load an image might not necessarily be used for loading pirated images of video games all the time.

Thus this post's title: Feed me, but never judge if I'm right or wrong.

EDIT: Uploaded a higher quality version of Windows Vista. Now you can view the ultimate graphical faggotry in its full glory.