I would have made my own decisions and went ahead with whatever I want, but it's not easy when you're restricted (see previous post.)
It's hard to find someone who can be truly honest with whatever he or she thinks, unaffected by influence and morals, neutral to the consequences of whichever decision you make. Such a person is what I need, and if possible, seek to become.
This is because when you're lost, especially halfway through your life when you need to sit down and think of the things you're doing, if they actually mean anything to you or not, you need to make a decision. Frankly, 99.9% of the time, whenever you're faced with a problem in life, you're given the two standard choices; yes or no/to do or not to do/etc. Anymore of such choices, no matter how viable they are, are fabricated and are bound to lead you to failure, or at least from my experiences for the last 17 years.
So I'm usually stuck with two choices, and when the two choices are complete opposites from each other they either make your life very easy or very difficult to live. In this situation that I'm in right now, it's the latter.
Basically, I'm lost. I don't know what to do next. It's a pretty horrible feeling even when I reassure myself that I can go anywhere I want. When faced with the two standard answers I find myself adding buts behind them, and I don't like that. Sometimes I wished everything will be much simpler. Screw the buts and throw them away. A clear answer will do just fine.
The fact is that such a person that I mentioned above, who is truly neutral and oblivious to influence from media, society or any other of such, doesn't exist, which I believe to be a very bad prank on me because I don't like attaching conditions or overbearing consequences to decisions that I have to make, and when I seek to find out an answer from such a person, he/she isn't there.
So what's really left to get the clearest answer out to make a firm decision (doesn't mean that it's 100% clear, it's just the clearest out of the others,) is ANOTHER two choices - you ask someone to provide the answer for you, or you provide the answer yourself.
It's a loop.
But seriously enough of all that looping crap.
I lack the motivation to continue schooling, that I get this feeling I'm going to end up skipping a lot of lessons this semester. There's nothing bad about it, because all I get is letters demanding better attendance else free expulsion, but what am I going to do from there?
I don't want to disappoint my mother. I've made her been through a lot of pain because of pretty similar cases like this in the past. I have siblings that I don't want others to ridicule just because their older brother is a polytechnic dropout who has nothing more than just a O-level certificate and plays computer games all day long.
Yet how can you continue working on something that you have absolutely no interest in? I'm leaving national service out of this topic because it's unavoidable - they keep you in so you just have to do it.
All of a sudden I feel so powerless, helpless and frustrated. I'm afraid up till this point in my life I haven't found anything worth my time in the future. Either that, or all the while I've been seeking for perfection - something that doesn't exist.
I guess it's time to speak up.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Seemingly DEPRESSED.
The thought of going to Singapore Polytechnic to socialise, do a presentation or just simply talk in front of the whole class, sickens me.
The industry doesn't really want people who can just talk and do nothing.
But nevermind that because in the end, I'll just end up skipping school.
With freedom comes responsibility, and I'm not exactly that responsible to know that I have to go to school even if I don't like it, but I did flip a coin which convinced me, with 4 heads in a row, not to go.
I don't like the feeling of getting torn apart by a simple decision of whether to go or not, and usually I'm unable to force myself to say yes or no until it's too late to go to school.
So here I am because it's too late to go to school.
I just feel whatever I'm studying right now is going to be a help to my future career, but presentations? No way.
Basically in Singapore Polytechnic you waste 1 out of 3 years trying to produce good presentations, so you can be damn sure that graduates from other polytechnics are going to own your ass when it comes to technical knowledge.
The ability to speak to a large audience can be trained, I believe, but not FORCED to learn. In short, if you don't like it, and you're forced to do it, you still won't like it.
In fact you'll hate it even more, no?
Personally I know I lack a lot of personal traits in life, like determination and stuff, and it's not like I never tried.
But when I feel that whatever I'm doing is wrong, or is a waste of my time, I'll gladly skip it.
Am I wrong in thinking that way?
I've never been held down by social expectations (but not running around naked in public) and other restrictions.
There are so many things that I wouldn't mind doing in the future, but sometimes in order not to disappoint people whom I care about, I just have to live up to the expectations.
And that's a bloody restriction.
So there you go. Another loop.
The industry doesn't really want people who can just talk and do nothing.
But nevermind that because in the end, I'll just end up skipping school.
With freedom comes responsibility, and I'm not exactly that responsible to know that I have to go to school even if I don't like it, but I did flip a coin which convinced me, with 4 heads in a row, not to go.
I don't like the feeling of getting torn apart by a simple decision of whether to go or not, and usually I'm unable to force myself to say yes or no until it's too late to go to school.
So here I am because it's too late to go to school.
I just feel whatever I'm studying right now is going to be a help to my future career, but presentations? No way.
Basically in Singapore Polytechnic you waste 1 out of 3 years trying to produce good presentations, so you can be damn sure that graduates from other polytechnics are going to own your ass when it comes to technical knowledge.
The ability to speak to a large audience can be trained, I believe, but not FORCED to learn. In short, if you don't like it, and you're forced to do it, you still won't like it.
In fact you'll hate it even more, no?
Personally I know I lack a lot of personal traits in life, like determination and stuff, and it's not like I never tried.
But when I feel that whatever I'm doing is wrong, or is a waste of my time, I'll gladly skip it.
Am I wrong in thinking that way?
I've never been held down by social expectations (but not running around naked in public) and other restrictions.
There are so many things that I wouldn't mind doing in the future, but sometimes in order not to disappoint people whom I care about, I just have to live up to the expectations.
And that's a bloody restriction.
So there you go. Another loop.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Cutting balloons?
I've been working on a new layout since the start of the holidays. It's always the usual inability to consolidate my ideas and integrate them properly that results in late delivery, but screw that.
Everything I want to say regarding this new layout is probably covered on the section to the right so I'm just going to skip past all of this shit.
It's hard to lose a war when you have more allies than your enemies. Sometimes by simply doing nothing you're destroying your enemies. Why I'm saying this is because I've just won the war with the four dudes.
Actually just two, but I've already won.
No time to waste typing posts. I must make use my remaining holiday time before I suffer for another 12 weeks.
Later.
Everything I want to say regarding this new layout is probably covered on the section to the right so I'm just going to skip past all of this shit.
It's hard to lose a war when you have more allies than your enemies. Sometimes by simply doing nothing you're destroying your enemies. Why I'm saying this is because I've just won the war with the four dudes.
Actually just two, but I've already won.
No time to waste typing posts. I must make use my remaining holiday time before I suffer for another 12 weeks.
Later.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
How long has it been.
It's hard fending off four people at once, especially when each of them says different things. Somehow my brain just can't seem to be able to handle the amount of information received and respond accordingly, so I took the easy way out and told them to shut up, but it turned out to be futile.
It's been a few years since I last had this terrible excitement running throughout my head, fingers trembling with the amount of satisfaction I anticipate and would be able to leech off through the next "killer line."
But somehow the amount of information pouring into my head was way too much for me to counter-attack properly.
I was a decent bastard back then, even though I had completely no idea what I was saying. Nowadays I've gotten a little less creative, but what really sets me off is that my opponents ain't more difficult than my last fight with a 55 year old.
If there's only one fun thing that I'd actually take pride in doing, it'd be to talk down the other person till he/she surrenders, though the she part isn't yet tested nor approved, but you get it. Unfortunately, sometimes such things become an obsession, so instead of waiting for them to come, I went out and created opportunities for myself.
Basic common sense tells you that when you prepare for a war, you must know your enemies beforehand, and sometimes impulses overrides common sense, leading to unexpected defeats.
I wouldn't pretty much say that it's a defeat, though. A pretty cheap trick was involved.
To me, this occasional hobby of mine is actually a game of tic-tac-toe with more than 20 squares. Usually I get to decide how many squares I want in this game and place more than 1 cross/circle every turn, thus ending the fight pretty easily, but sometimes when the game's up to your opponent to decide how many squares there are going to be, and he's/she's a Singaporean whom you're pretty sure is less intelligent, has a lower standard of English and actually doesn't have much to say on the topic you're fighting him/her on, expect the standard 3x3 squares with him/her placing 2 crosses/circles per turn.
For a more practical example, you can take those who tend to launch a verbal assault on your parents for giving birth to someone like you, or that you have no friends, girlfriend, or you're gay, anti-social, someone with no life. For the more locally-inclined examples, expect the usual "yawn" added with pseudo-1337 z's behind to add to the effect of you not making any sense (in 99.9% of such cases it's more often that the opponent is unable to understand what you're saying because your language's too powerful for them.)
In short, the number of squares determines how much the topic stays on track (the lower it is, the less relevance it has to the topic) and the crosses/circles are your points. Getting the picture?
I'm pretty sure that the 55 year old I fought a few years back actually fought against me equally on a field definitely larger than just 9 puny squares that most of our fellow countrymen can only manage.
Though I'm still pretty depressed by the fact that I can't counter these cheap tricks up till today. Well actually I think I do have a tactic in mind, but maybe the information overflow was really too much.
Bad luck Byan.
It doesn't mean that I'm sorry for being a fag, though. Such fights are what feeds my everlasting hunger for pure faggotry.
Expect a comeback.
It's been a few years since I last had this terrible excitement running throughout my head, fingers trembling with the amount of satisfaction I anticipate and would be able to leech off through the next "killer line."
But somehow the amount of information pouring into my head was way too much for me to counter-attack properly.
I was a decent bastard back then, even though I had completely no idea what I was saying. Nowadays I've gotten a little less creative, but what really sets me off is that my opponents ain't more difficult than my last fight with a 55 year old.
If there's only one fun thing that I'd actually take pride in doing, it'd be to talk down the other person till he/she surrenders, though the she part isn't yet tested nor approved, but you get it. Unfortunately, sometimes such things become an obsession, so instead of waiting for them to come, I went out and created opportunities for myself.
Basic common sense tells you that when you prepare for a war, you must know your enemies beforehand, and sometimes impulses overrides common sense, leading to unexpected defeats.
I wouldn't pretty much say that it's a defeat, though. A pretty cheap trick was involved.
To me, this occasional hobby of mine is actually a game of tic-tac-toe with more than 20 squares. Usually I get to decide how many squares I want in this game and place more than 1 cross/circle every turn, thus ending the fight pretty easily, but sometimes when the game's up to your opponent to decide how many squares there are going to be, and he's/she's a Singaporean whom you're pretty sure is less intelligent, has a lower standard of English and actually doesn't have much to say on the topic you're fighting him/her on, expect the standard 3x3 squares with him/her placing 2 crosses/circles per turn.
For a more practical example, you can take those who tend to launch a verbal assault on your parents for giving birth to someone like you, or that you have no friends, girlfriend, or you're gay, anti-social, someone with no life. For the more locally-inclined examples, expect the usual "yawn" added with pseudo-1337 z's behind to add to the effect of you not making any sense (in 99.9% of such cases it's more often that the opponent is unable to understand what you're saying because your language's too powerful for them.)
In short, the number of squares determines how much the topic stays on track (the lower it is, the less relevance it has to the topic) and the crosses/circles are your points. Getting the picture?
I'm pretty sure that the 55 year old I fought a few years back actually fought against me equally on a field definitely larger than just 9 puny squares that most of our fellow countrymen can only manage.
Though I'm still pretty depressed by the fact that I can't counter these cheap tricks up till today. Well actually I think I do have a tactic in mind, but maybe the information overflow was really too much.
Bad luck Byan.
It doesn't mean that I'm sorry for being a fag, though. Such fights are what feeds my everlasting hunger for pure faggotry.
Expect a comeback.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
18 still.
I know I'm not yet 18. My birthday's 3 months away and for another 3 months I'm going back to indulge myself in work.
I don't like it.
It's painful for me to repeat the process of becoming so distraught, so alienated and so detached from reality once the holidays end. I know for long enough this wouldn't end. It'll continue as part of my life. I mean everyone goes through such situations. I know because my siblings exhibit this kind of behavior near the end of holidays too, though not to the extend of mine. I admire their ability to overcome this problem and I guess that's one of my biggest weaknesses as a living person.
Frankly, the thought of turning 18 frightens me. I don't think I've had enough preparations for the real world. I'm not so concern about the fact that I'm no longer young. The problem here is fear. Fear of failure to cope with whatever coming my way.
I deem myself a weak person because of the reason above. I tried to draw strength, or perhaps a new reason, for myself to live on, but how can one draw strength from himself when he doesn't believe he has any to begin with? You are what you think you are, and I'm weak.
I've never believed that to live life is for myself. Till this day I'm still pondering about the reason for my birth, which I doubt I'd be able to find until the day of my death.
So the alternative method would be to draw strength from others. I know how much of a letdown I am, and from here on I thought about the consequences of staying a shut-in at home and not doing anything about my life. The first person that came to mind when disappointment was mentioned inside was my mother. From there it may seem easy to live on for the sake of someone else, but unfortunately it only served to trap myself in a vicious cycle of denial.
What happens if my mother were to pass away? I'd be no more than just a lost child in this world. So who do I draw strength from next? No one.
I've sought to talk with someone capable of understanding me on such a level and I thought my aunt was the only one. I sought self-demise but she protested against it.
Of course she'd be against it.
If only someone would understand how much strength's waned as I typed.
Just so fucking sick of this bullshit going on and on.
I don't like it.
It's painful for me to repeat the process of becoming so distraught, so alienated and so detached from reality once the holidays end. I know for long enough this wouldn't end. It'll continue as part of my life. I mean everyone goes through such situations. I know because my siblings exhibit this kind of behavior near the end of holidays too, though not to the extend of mine. I admire their ability to overcome this problem and I guess that's one of my biggest weaknesses as a living person.
Frankly, the thought of turning 18 frightens me. I don't think I've had enough preparations for the real world. I'm not so concern about the fact that I'm no longer young. The problem here is fear. Fear of failure to cope with whatever coming my way.
I deem myself a weak person because of the reason above. I tried to draw strength, or perhaps a new reason, for myself to live on, but how can one draw strength from himself when he doesn't believe he has any to begin with? You are what you think you are, and I'm weak.
I've never believed that to live life is for myself. Till this day I'm still pondering about the reason for my birth, which I doubt I'd be able to find until the day of my death.
So the alternative method would be to draw strength from others. I know how much of a letdown I am, and from here on I thought about the consequences of staying a shut-in at home and not doing anything about my life. The first person that came to mind when disappointment was mentioned inside was my mother. From there it may seem easy to live on for the sake of someone else, but unfortunately it only served to trap myself in a vicious cycle of denial.
What happens if my mother were to pass away? I'd be no more than just a lost child in this world. So who do I draw strength from next? No one.
I've sought to talk with someone capable of understanding me on such a level and I thought my aunt was the only one. I sought self-demise but she protested against it.
Of course she'd be against it.
If only someone would understand how much strength's waned as I typed.
Just so fucking sick of this bullshit going on and on.
Friday, September 14, 2007
FRUSTRATION
Definitely not fine.
Sometimes I just hate that inconsistent part of myself because it ruins everything.
It messes up all my plans, makes me go on a roller coaster ride on the emotional track and wastes my time. I thought I'd get over it as I grow older, but no it refuses to leave me alone.
What do I get as a result? Frustration.
And this frustration's so bad that sometimes I'd gladly lie down and sleep for eternity.
I don't know of any other way to express this absolutely fucked up feeling other than the fact that it's killing me and it's ruining my life.
Teenage rage. Very bad.
I think I'm going to have a bad relapse and I really need to speak to my aunt about it soon.
Fucked up.
Sometimes I just hate that inconsistent part of myself because it ruins everything.
It messes up all my plans, makes me go on a roller coaster ride on the emotional track and wastes my time. I thought I'd get over it as I grow older, but no it refuses to leave me alone.
What do I get as a result? Frustration.
And this frustration's so bad that sometimes I'd gladly lie down and sleep for eternity.
I don't know of any other way to express this absolutely fucked up feeling other than the fact that it's killing me and it's ruining my life.
Teenage rage. Very bad.
I think I'm going to have a bad relapse and I really need to speak to my aunt about it soon.
Fucked up.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Random.
I just realised my title's a little cheesy and irrelevant since I don't really post pictures taken using my camera phone.
I don't even take them.
Holidays give a lot of room and time for you to do absolutely nothing, and while I intend to use every second of this seemingly short period of free time, I do tend to waste some of it away by just sitting around and stoning.
Stoning. It's a good word.
Personally trivial things like that are part of my life. I enjoy doing them even though they feel like a waste of time. I'm sure most of the working adults won't find any time to do such a thing.
Then again it's not like they're interested in doing it either.
But you tend to think a lot while doing that, and it's definitely because you're doing nothing - that's why you're thinking, but what will you think of?
"Oh shit I [insert something related to work here]!"
Then he/she will probably scurry off to do this particular thing. There goes your free stoning time.
Maybe I'm just being a little too emotional (no way depressed. Shit's out of my life since last year.) or over-sensitive, but if that's the case, being such a person may be the best treatment for many of the people out there. Why?
[Influence: failed] I will talk about it some other time.
That aside, I discovered several flaws within myself, as well as an interesting pattern.
First of all, I'm spastic. Second, I can be a very horrible person to talk to. Third, I will attack anyone who I find dumb enough to say anything.
The pattern is that such flaws only happen during holidays.
I call it the 'holiday fever.'
Take, for example, these:
Friend: "yo"
Me: "shut up"
Friend: ":'( ok"
Friend: "the server's lagging!"
Me: "fuck off you can't aim that's all."
Me: "stop fucking whining."
Me: "world needs more people to shut up and play their game."
Korean: "spawn camp = ="
Me: "get used to it."
Me: "now shut up and play."
Me: "noob."
Korean: "you are a ass."
Me: "noob."
Me: "noob."
Me: "noob."
Me: "noob."
Me: "chobo korean."
Me: "noob."
Me: "fucking shut up korean or get the fuck out."
Friend: "now i know xxx's a noob."
Me: "dude fucking shut up nobody asked for your opinion."
Friend: "you shut up."
Me: "why don't you take it to him straight instead of beating around the fucking bush."
Me: "you got fucken balls?"
Me: "you"
Me: "got"
Me: "the"
Me: "balls of steel?"
Me: "i know you don't so please fucking shut up."
Me: "why can't fucking fags just shut up nowadays."
Me: "it's fucken world peace if people like him would keep quiet and do their own shit."
Friend 2: "dude, relax."
Me: "i'm relaxing."
Me: "and you shut up too."
In short I find everything a nuisance to me. I hope that everyone can seal their mouths (I don't mind sealing for them) and only talk when I tell them to. Maybe throw in a few threats like, "YOU TALK YOU DIE."
Hmph.
I don't even take them.
Holidays give a lot of room and time for you to do absolutely nothing, and while I intend to use every second of this seemingly short period of free time, I do tend to waste some of it away by just sitting around and stoning.
Stoning. It's a good word.
Personally trivial things like that are part of my life. I enjoy doing them even though they feel like a waste of time. I'm sure most of the working adults won't find any time to do such a thing.
Then again it's not like they're interested in doing it either.
But you tend to think a lot while doing that, and it's definitely because you're doing nothing - that's why you're thinking, but what will you think of?
"Oh shit I [insert something related to work here]!"
Then he/she will probably scurry off to do this particular thing. There goes your free stoning time.
Maybe I'm just being a little too emotional (no way depressed. Shit's out of my life since last year.) or over-sensitive, but if that's the case, being such a person may be the best treatment for many of the people out there. Why?
[Influence: failed] I will talk about it some other time.
That aside, I discovered several flaws within myself, as well as an interesting pattern.
First of all, I'm spastic. Second, I can be a very horrible person to talk to. Third, I will attack anyone who I find dumb enough to say anything.
The pattern is that such flaws only happen during holidays.
I call it the 'holiday fever.'
Take, for example, these:
Friend: "yo"
Me: "shut up"
Friend: ":'( ok"
Friend: "the server's lagging!"
Me: "fuck off you can't aim that's all."
Me: "stop fucking whining."
Me: "world needs more people to shut up and play their game."
Korean: "spawn camp = ="
Me: "get used to it."
Me: "now shut up and play."
Me: "noob."
Korean: "you are a ass."
Me: "noob."
Me: "noob."
Me: "noob."
Me: "noob."
Me: "chobo korean."
Me: "noob."
Me: "fucking shut up korean or get the fuck out."
Friend: "now i know xxx's a noob."
Me: "dude fucking shut up nobody asked for your opinion."
Friend: "you shut up."
Me: "why don't you take it to him straight instead of beating around the fucking bush."
Me: "you got fucken balls?"
Me: "you"
Me: "got"
Me: "the"
Me: "balls of steel?"
Me: "i know you don't so please fucking shut up."
Me: "why can't fucking fags just shut up nowadays."
Me: "it's fucken world peace if people like him would keep quiet and do their own shit."
Friend 2: "dude, relax."
Me: "i'm relaxing."
Me: "and you shut up too."
In short I find everything a nuisance to me. I hope that everyone can seal their mouths (I don't mind sealing for them) and only talk when I tell them to. Maybe throw in a few threats like, "YOU TALK YOU DIE."
Hmph.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Guilt?
Few days ago one of my classmates sent out an email to the whole class telling us to vote for his piece of work (which apparently got chosen to submit in some competition with a really remote forum.)
I don't know if he included the word please. It's a magic word you know.
Anyway upon browsing around the forums a little and viewing some of the other entries I simply shrugged the thought of voting for him off because I'm not particularly fond of signing up just to do a half-assed vote and for that I wasn't feeling hardworking enough.
I suppose the results came out a few days back or something. But before what I saw a while ago everything was fine and dandy and hell yeah I was feeling very alright.
"Everyone betrayed me..."
I don't know if you call that betraying, or if he even meant it for us, but yeah I'm overridden with guilt.
It's about time I get used to this new feeling though.
I don't know if he included the word please. It's a magic word you know.
Anyway upon browsing around the forums a little and viewing some of the other entries I simply shrugged the thought of voting for him off because I'm not particularly fond of signing up just to do a half-assed vote and for that I wasn't feeling hardworking enough.
I suppose the results came out a few days back or something. But before what I saw a while ago everything was fine and dandy and hell yeah I was feeling very alright.
"Everyone betrayed me..."
I don't know if you call that betraying, or if he even meant it for us, but yeah I'm overridden with guilt.
It's about time I get used to this new feeling though.
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