Back to the future.

Not a grim post this time.

It feels as if I'm moving against time. I happened to discover a few old songs back from the 1970s and yeah, time trippin'.

It was a weird feeling, like the uneasiness you feel when you're forced to run backwards for some unknown reason. I'm quite scared of this effect because I can picture myself being a poor bloke with headphones on, playing songs from the 1970s and feeding on leftovers like crows.

Then the piano was sold today. I learned that it was my mum who paid for the piano in the first place. I could feel the sting when they asked for the piano chair to take away with the piano, because my mum wanted to keep the chair. She said it was comfortable.

I skipped school today, I spent like 6 hours playing some worthless character whose original owner isn't interested in playing anymore, yeah.

And know what? I might get a tagboard. Sometimes I update so fast that you guys will probably forget about the previous comments. Good idea. Might as well switch to Wordpress. Or get my http://neue.vtsuki.net working.

Productivity. Ugh.

Cruise control for the xth time.

Previous post is part one. This is part two. Part one focuses on what's inside my mind, so this post will be on the favourite topic for you guys - reality.

I've been paying visits with ZW to different places on weekends for some photography since the start of the new term. A little disappointed in the photos I took. They don't seem to exude the same charm of the first few pictures I took with my D40X.

So what I'm really curious to know, is whether I've become better since the start of this year. I don't plan on wasting time on photography as a hobby. I don't like doing things for no reason. I'm not doubting my passion for it, but skill limits are one of the the most frightening obstacles to me.

I do have photos. 450 of them. Mostly repeats and shots with bad focus. It was only today when I told myself that it's time to put some creativity into what I'm shooting.

There's one thing getting me off my chair screaming "NO YOU DON'T," and that's people claiming that they love photography. I'm not even sure whether I love photography, or I'm just doing it because of my ability to abuse wealth. It's definitely not a case of "I have a camera, this shows I love photography."

Thus my desire to shoot better pictures. I used to think every single subject could be manipulated to create interesting shots of different angles, etc, but unfortunately there are some things that we can't control. Call me a control freak, but I'm gradually losing interest because of this.

But I have other things I want to talk about.

I got bored of TF2 already. No games, nothing to do. Haven't been coding in a while. Did some presentation on my personal value - simplicity, and I must say many of the shit I mentioned I didn't even practice myself.

Yeah that's all I wanted to talk about.

Redundant to the point of being sickening.

WARNING: Highly reflective and semi-depressing post.

I was never one to submit myself to deadlines or plunge deep into reality. There was always a mental space filled with images and words of events true to only myself. I replay such moments when caught in the web of reality. It keeps me sane.

Recently assignments have been pouring in at a much faster rate than I've imagined. I notice myself going against the best, trying to crawl my way up to the top rankings, the desire to do better or, if possible, be the best. This reduced the amount of space offered for my very own sanctuary inside my mind.

I'm going mad.

I'm pretty unhappy about the way things are turning out for me. I don't know where this sudden desire to push myself came from, but I can feel my very own individuality seeping out of every word I speak to another person. It's as if I'm imprinting the common characteristics of people onto myself and therefore turning into "just another typical guy." I'm afraid this may cause me to lose the will to live.

Ironic, isn't it? I was always lacking strength, lacking the will to do something extraordinary, lacking the patience and motivation to compete with the best. Then I went ahead despite knowing that it won't be easy. I'm pulling through, doing better than anybody else, but then I'm afraid of losing myself.

I'll never forget the words that dragged me into this comfortable state of oblivion and prevented me from seeking what others would define as important to their lives, including the amount of places I've seen inside my mind and knowing that is all I need to survive. It was all that gave me another chance to live, and now I'm throwing it all away because of my desire to live more than ever.

I think it's wrong for me to do that. I move on, but I don't throw a part of myself away. That is akin to suicide, and I mean the real form of suicide. It may as well be a parasite feeding off every bit of my soul, for what good does it do if the host is to die? "Keep him alive," they said, "keep him alive."

I don't lament this terrible mess I've dragged myself into. There must be a clear line drawn between the boundaries of reality and my mind. Life is definitely easier if I let go of certain things, and keep myself content with whatever I have that others don't. There is no gain without pain, but physical pain is always second to its psychological cousin - "someone" I came into terms with and made a pact for the rest of my life either to follow, or to satiate its horrifying taste for destruction.

It's time to take a step back and ask myself if there's any point to living more than what I can handle, whether I'm ready to make the sacrifice with the potential risk of killing myself in the process and whether if life itself is actually worth living all the same.

Good stuff and fatal errors.

I'm online, just absent. It's pretty similar to, say...

I'm alive, just in hiding.

Good stuff

Got my Backburner already, after getting flamed by noobs saying that I should "l2play pyro" or go to some custom server to earn my achievements. Thought of "cheating," but figured I won't have anything to work towards if I were to do that. This is about TF2 by the way, and I'm now an established pyro ^^

Then, after fumbling with my handphone on Monday, I gave my lecturer a call to seek some sort of "justification" for my bad grade. I didn't mention anything about my grades but he offered to raise it for me. I don't agree with his reasoning of me being borderline and closer to the next grade so he'll just throw in a few marks to bring me up, because, after all, even with all my personal flaws (such as having a deep, monotonous voice,) I definitely deserve a better grade without him having to push me up.

Not to say it's all about marks. Point is, after all, self-improvisation. I appreciate his kindness though.

Fatal errors

Today I got back my marks for another assignment and again it's not a good grade. Then I asked myself if it's really not my problem. Conclusion? Maybe. It's pretty demoralising because I haven't been skipping since the new term and I'm getting bad grades compared to me skipping like 2 days every week and scoring distinctions for my assignments. Weird shit.

There's this guy who went to a different option and since then he's been ignoring my hi's, bye's and blarg. Personally I think it's because I scored better than him for a group assignment that I tried very very very hard NOT to contribute. I lied to him about my final grades anyway, because I thought it'll make him feel better. Fatal error on my part. Well, trying not to be friendly towards him nowadays haha.

If I'm feeling superior, I'll probably be laughing at his sore ass. Will attempt it in front of him next time. Evil, yes, but it yields great satisfaction for a guy who doesn't like to be ignored.