E tu sei per me.
Shortly after I published the previous post my room was rearranged. I was initially against it because I had not came up with a plan for my 'ideal bedroom'.
Anyway, it was hard work, even though my mother did 90% of the job, moving the metal safe across the room and throwing away junk. Most of the cupboards in my room are stuffed with photo albums anyway, so most of the items thrown away are papers and books. What's left is to move the computer table and that is it.
I went down to get a new pot for my cacti. Grandmother told me that I have to choose just 1 cactus out of the whole colony to keep so it will grow big, otherwise there will be overcrowding and all of them would compete with each other. I have not gotten around to trimming it yet, partly because of the guilt of ripping them off the soil and throwing them away after they have grown to such a size.
Maybe it was just bad timing and all, but I just had to be faced with one of my cousins, who lacked discipline and guidance from their long-divorced parents. I see them as equal and I don't look down on them at any time, but seeing their attitude towards their grandmother it is just plain sad.
I am utterly disgusted. They are even lower than me.
I slept around 2 PM then, waking up just 2 hours ago with a bad neck ache and hotter-than-normal air being exhaled out from my nose. I am going down with a fever soon.
Then TSC struck up a conversation with me just a few minutes ago, saying that I don't weigh 120 Kg and I should be playing games because my computer is always full of them. I took it hard, but I don't blame him - it is common that people generally assume you to be the same as the way you met them the last time before noticing how much you have changed.
I will trim my cacti, arrange my computer desk and 'IN DA HOUSE' all the way till morning.
Later.
PS. I am turning deaf.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Overpour.
E tu sei per me.
These are my pet cacti and they are offspring of a single surviving cactus from a colony in which I brutally murdered off one by one by cutting their stems into half with a pen knife. I kept the last surviving one because I just wanted to own a pot.
As you can see, they have completely occupied the small pot that I am using, coupled with soil that lacks nutrients after supporting so many other plants before them, thus their barbs are not the healthy yellow.
Despite having kept this pot of cute little urchin-like cacti (they are pretty round-shaped, strangely) for such a long time, I still don't know what species they belong to. They, however and apparently, have incredible reproductive abilities, as the first cactus was actually severed from its parent (brutally, too) and buried under soil. They have non-poisonous barbs. I know because I got several of them into my hands and did not die from it.
I have been wanting a new pot with new soil to transplant my cacti over, but my mother is just plain forgetful. Mosquitoes have been breeding on the dish that I placed below the pot (what is the name again?) since it has been raining quite a lot for the last few weeks.
Nevertheless, I am proud of raising these children (did not even water them actually, since the rain did most of the job) and having them survive despite slaughtering their great grandparents in the past. I sincerely hope that they would forgive me, otherwise I would have to exterminate another batch of cacti with scissors instead.
I am definitely not a likely candidate on your list of people to talk to regarding matters on relationships and emotions. I would attribute the problem to my external appearance and behaviour.
Nevertheless during my little brief chat with YJ, he spilled some beans on his love life. From there onwards it seems as if his mentality on boy-girl relationships does not really differ from mine, though he is still unable to pull himself away from it. Perfectly understandable, though I am not trying to say that we should all avoid such relationships - it is fine, but now is definitely not the right age for us.
I believe that it takes a hell lot of maturity to get into a serious relationship. By serious I mean being and having the right person, with a proper ending to it and not just scenes that imitate poorly written scripts for drama stories where dramatic breakups ensue.
With that I close the chapter on love, hopefully. I am not befitting of a dramatic relationship with any girl because 1) they are girls and 2) I can no longer give myself to anybody, even if they want me.
I am still seeking to complete my wishlist by the end of this month, perhaps a job too. Ex-classmates and net pals are forcing me into believing that not having a job is 'a waste of time.' I do not believe that statement is the truth. As much as I want to tell them to piss off since this holiday is mine and I can spend it anyway I like, I figured it is better to let them continue.
Why? Because I have to suppress my rage. I have to perform therapy and reverse psychology on myself. I have a goal to reach. I have to have inner peace. I cannot let anyone get into my head.
How many times must I repeat myself anyway?
These are my pet cacti and they are offspring of a single surviving cactus from a colony in which I brutally murdered off one by one by cutting their stems into half with a pen knife. I kept the last surviving one because I just wanted to own a pot.
As you can see, they have completely occupied the small pot that I am using, coupled with soil that lacks nutrients after supporting so many other plants before them, thus their barbs are not the healthy yellow.
Despite having kept this pot of cute little urchin-like cacti (they are pretty round-shaped, strangely) for such a long time, I still don't know what species they belong to. They, however and apparently, have incredible reproductive abilities, as the first cactus was actually severed from its parent (brutally, too) and buried under soil. They have non-poisonous barbs. I know because I got several of them into my hands and did not die from it.
I have been wanting a new pot with new soil to transplant my cacti over, but my mother is just plain forgetful. Mosquitoes have been breeding on the dish that I placed below the pot (what is the name again?) since it has been raining quite a lot for the last few weeks.
Nevertheless, I am proud of raising these children (did not even water them actually, since the rain did most of the job) and having them survive despite slaughtering their great grandparents in the past. I sincerely hope that they would forgive me, otherwise I would have to exterminate another batch of cacti with scissors instead.
I am definitely not a likely candidate on your list of people to talk to regarding matters on relationships and emotions. I would attribute the problem to my external appearance and behaviour.
Nevertheless during my little brief chat with YJ, he spilled some beans on his love life. From there onwards it seems as if his mentality on boy-girl relationships does not really differ from mine, though he is still unable to pull himself away from it. Perfectly understandable, though I am not trying to say that we should all avoid such relationships - it is fine, but now is definitely not the right age for us.
I believe that it takes a hell lot of maturity to get into a serious relationship. By serious I mean being and having the right person, with a proper ending to it and not just scenes that imitate poorly written scripts for drama stories where dramatic breakups ensue.
With that I close the chapter on love, hopefully. I am not befitting of a dramatic relationship with any girl because 1) they are girls and 2) I can no longer give myself to anybody, even if they want me.
I am still seeking to complete my wishlist by the end of this month, perhaps a job too. Ex-classmates and net pals are forcing me into believing that not having a job is 'a waste of time.' I do not believe that statement is the truth. As much as I want to tell them to piss off since this holiday is mine and I can spend it anyway I like, I figured it is better to let them continue.
Why? Because I have to suppress my rage. I have to perform therapy and reverse psychology on myself. I have a goal to reach. I have to have inner peace. I cannot let anyone get into my head.
How many times must I repeat myself anyway?
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Yoko Kanno - Velveteen (feat. Troy)
Seeing you in my tears
In my own reflection
I hear you in the wind that passes through me
Feel you in my hunger
You're haunting my ambition
Beautifully destructive attraction
Climbed to zero G's
Now falling like a rock
Drugged and digitized you inside a dream
E tu sei per me...
L’aria che respiro
l mio cibo, ciò che osservo
magico sei tu! E io sento che...
Sono innamorata di emozioni
smisurate, infinite ormai!
A velveteen equation
I find you in my fears
and in my fascination
I taste you in safe water and it drowns me
Paranoid and peaceful
Inside a sweet addiction
Velvety electrical reaction
Soft insanity
And I can't make it stop
Live hallucination within a dream
E tu sei per me...
L’aria che respiro
il mio cibo, ciò che osservo
magico sei tu! E io sento che...
Sono innamorata di emozioni
smisurate, infinite ormai!
A velveteen equation
Magico, questo è un grande amore
Magico, questo è un grande amore
E tu sei per me...
"To hold an object in your own eyes as another one of your kind, is part respect, part sympathy and a whole lot of unequal comparison."
That is exactly what makes television a stranger, not a strange object. To respect something that doesn't live, has no consciousness, no soul and no mind of its own is of course, nonsensical.
That is exact, however, the exact reason why you are worshipping deities or gods.
If you do not understand what I have just said, I have failed.
In my own reflection
I hear you in the wind that passes through me
Feel you in my hunger
You're haunting my ambition
Beautifully destructive attraction
Climbed to zero G's
Now falling like a rock
Drugged and digitized you inside a dream
E tu sei per me...
L’aria che respiro
l mio cibo, ciò che osservo
magico sei tu! E io sento che...
Sono innamorata di emozioni
smisurate, infinite ormai!
A velveteen equation
I find you in my fears
and in my fascination
I taste you in safe water and it drowns me
Paranoid and peaceful
Inside a sweet addiction
Velvety electrical reaction
Soft insanity
And I can't make it stop
Live hallucination within a dream
E tu sei per me...
L’aria che respiro
il mio cibo, ciò che osservo
magico sei tu! E io sento che...
Sono innamorata di emozioni
smisurate, infinite ormai!
A velveteen equation
Magico, questo è un grande amore
Magico, questo è un grande amore
E tu sei per me...
"To hold an object in your own eyes as another one of your kind, is part respect, part sympathy and a whole lot of unequal comparison."
That is exactly what makes television a stranger, not a strange object. To respect something that doesn't live, has no consciousness, no soul and no mind of its own is of course, nonsensical.
That is exact, however, the exact reason why you are worshipping deities or gods.
If you do not understand what I have just said, I have failed.
Monday, January 01, 2007
07 post.
I don't see any reason why we should go for countdown parties a few hours before the new year.
The Earth revolves. We have different timezones around the world, so how can you count down to the most accurate new year hour when there are new year celebrations occurring each hour?
Besides, there's a problem with our watch/clock not synchronized with each other, so which second is the actual last second to the new year?
Date/time/year is a form of time logging for humans. 365 days and a quarter of it might be a miscalculation, though. Humans are fallible. What if it was 365 days and 1/8 of it? Christmas would have been earlier for all of us.
There is no effective way or proof, other than your calender, which is an unreliable source of evidence, to prove that now is the new year. Time on your watch/clock, even, is just a form of reminder. Not like I have anything against such stuff though.
Imagine, that if we didn't have something called years, I would have been 6236.25 days old already.
"How old are you?"
"I am 6236.25 days old."
In my opinion, it sounds much cooler than a puny number such as 17.
Resolutions:
"To not get struck down by a truck." - someone
I have a resolution - 2007 will be over in a second, including subsequent years to come.
Other stuff:
I seek to complete all my previous RPGs (either with cheats or not) then maybe getting a job somewhere close to earn a little money. I think I will put down several items here as my wishlist.
The creamy wishlist:
- New RAM (I left the case open which resulted in faulty RAM)
- 19 inch monitor (which I wanted to get while assembling my new com last time)
- Tablet (I am sick of drawing with my mouse)
- HL2 (for NS sequel)
- Get laid (highly impossible, not that I lack self-confidence)
- O LEVEL RESULTS < 17 (hopefully)
- Frag records in multiplayer games
I struggled to think of other things to add on but I couldn't. This is where you can't apply creativity to, otherwise your list will end up with items such as having a computer which can fly you to the moon and, after dropping 9000 feet from the sky, remain intact.
That's it.
The Earth revolves. We have different timezones around the world, so how can you count down to the most accurate new year hour when there are new year celebrations occurring each hour?
Besides, there's a problem with our watch/clock not synchronized with each other, so which second is the actual last second to the new year?
Date/time/year is a form of time logging for humans. 365 days and a quarter of it might be a miscalculation, though. Humans are fallible. What if it was 365 days and 1/8 of it? Christmas would have been earlier for all of us.
There is no effective way or proof, other than your calender, which is an unreliable source of evidence, to prove that now is the new year. Time on your watch/clock, even, is just a form of reminder. Not like I have anything against such stuff though.
Imagine, that if we didn't have something called years, I would have been 6236.25 days old already.
"How old are you?"
"I am 6236.25 days old."
In my opinion, it sounds much cooler than a puny number such as 17.
Resolutions:
"To not get struck down by a truck." - someone
I have a resolution - 2007 will be over in a second, including subsequent years to come.
Other stuff:
I seek to complete all my previous RPGs (either with cheats or not) then maybe getting a job somewhere close to earn a little money. I think I will put down several items here as my wishlist.
The creamy wishlist:
- New RAM (I left the case open which resulted in faulty RAM)
- 19 inch monitor (which I wanted to get while assembling my new com last time)
- Tablet (I am sick of drawing with my mouse)
- HL2 (for NS sequel)
- Get laid (highly impossible, not that I lack self-confidence)
- O LEVEL RESULTS < 17 (hopefully)
- Frag records in multiplayer games
I struggled to think of other things to add on but I couldn't. This is where you can't apply creativity to, otherwise your list will end up with items such as having a computer which can fly you to the moon and, after dropping 9000 feet from the sky, remain intact.
That's it.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
And again...
I just feel like doing something.
Guess what is hidden in there. It should be easy unless you are gay or you are just plain suck at seeing what is obvious and what is not.
Guess what is hidden in there. It should be easy unless you are gay or you are just plain suck at seeing what is obvious and what is not.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Alright how about...
A proper one.
Fucking blog-hopping blues.
Saw my baby cousin today when aunt paid a visit, and I still hate babies - something about them pisses me off. It wasn't like that in the past because I was actually the best candidate for getting along with those little beings among my siblings, but whatever.
The thing is, we are actually creations of other human beings, namely our parents. Because of this, being their children, we have already made an impact on their lives. We can no longer swear we are of no importance to anyone. While others see this as a form of reassurance for their existence in life, I see this as a handicap.
Look at an infant and think about each stage of reproduction. It is certain that even while a baby hasn't been delivered, an impact, generally on the parents, have been made, be it regret (maybe she was raped?) or happiness. If the foetus gets flushed out of the mother's womb or abandoned after birth, well, that is a different story.
Someone who tripped over on the path of growing up and refuses to get up will understand how this pre-generated impact will alter his/her way of thinking towards life. It is when he/she truly sees his/her parents and question the importance of their own existence.
So, what I am trying to say here is that unless you have been suicidal before, you will not get a shit of what I am talking here.
On psychopathy.
About the incident 4 days back, lets just say that one of my friend's friend was angry at me and I feel uncomfortable about it. Not the kind of uneasiness you feel when you are blamed for something that you really did in secret, but what you should do to balance yourself with his level and 'share the pain.'
Psychopaths do not feel guilt. They turn guilt into dust, eat them and convert them into energy to drive them to manipulate further. There are about 1 in a 100 people who are psychopaths, are you?
There is this person that I'd like to mention...
Be honored, for your issue are actually argued on by Nessib.
You wear a tag around your neck saying 'Do you need a job?' He approaches you and asks if you have just graduated from University. You say yes. He goes on with his speech, bragging and boasting about what he did during University and having scored distinctions without preparing for exams, then humbly degrading himself so as not to make you feel so bad about yourself. You ask him if he took mandarin in secondary school, and he asks you if you 'need a job?' You tell him yes. He says that he already has a job in a high-ranking company, earning more than $xxxx per month, 3 beautiful wives and 15 cars.
Minutes later you hand him a cup of a newly invented, expensive beverage only sold in this outlet. Before he even drinks it, he says he drank it before and throws the cup away. You have 3 choices:
1) "Fuck you. Why did you throw that cup away, that fucking cup costed me $199.90!"
2) Grab him by his head and slam it onto the wall.
3) Walk away.
If you chose 3, no, you are not a man, but yes it is better to not waste time on such people.
AND THAT PERSON IS... I am not going to tell.
But surely, he is going to get what I got from him, at least the next time he speaks to me.
PS. flakk, delete your damn blog if you don't want to update it.
Fucking blog-hopping blues.
Saw my baby cousin today when aunt paid a visit, and I still hate babies - something about them pisses me off. It wasn't like that in the past because I was actually the best candidate for getting along with those little beings among my siblings, but whatever.
The thing is, we are actually creations of other human beings, namely our parents. Because of this, being their children, we have already made an impact on their lives. We can no longer swear we are of no importance to anyone. While others see this as a form of reassurance for their existence in life, I see this as a handicap.
Look at an infant and think about each stage of reproduction. It is certain that even while a baby hasn't been delivered, an impact, generally on the parents, have been made, be it regret (maybe she was raped?) or happiness. If the foetus gets flushed out of the mother's womb or abandoned after birth, well, that is a different story.
Someone who tripped over on the path of growing up and refuses to get up will understand how this pre-generated impact will alter his/her way of thinking towards life. It is when he/she truly sees his/her parents and question the importance of their own existence.
So, what I am trying to say here is that unless you have been suicidal before, you will not get a shit of what I am talking here.
On psychopathy.
About the incident 4 days back, lets just say that one of my friend's friend was angry at me and I feel uncomfortable about it. Not the kind of uneasiness you feel when you are blamed for something that you really did in secret, but what you should do to balance yourself with his level and 'share the pain.'
Psychopaths do not feel guilt. They turn guilt into dust, eat them and convert them into energy to drive them to manipulate further. There are about 1 in a 100 people who are psychopaths, are you?
There is this person that I'd like to mention...
Be honored, for your issue are actually argued on by Nessib.
You wear a tag around your neck saying 'Do you need a job?' He approaches you and asks if you have just graduated from University. You say yes. He goes on with his speech, bragging and boasting about what he did during University and having scored distinctions without preparing for exams, then humbly degrading himself so as not to make you feel so bad about yourself. You ask him if he took mandarin in secondary school, and he asks you if you 'need a job?' You tell him yes. He says that he already has a job in a high-ranking company, earning more than $xxxx per month, 3 beautiful wives and 15 cars.
Minutes later you hand him a cup of a newly invented, expensive beverage only sold in this outlet. Before he even drinks it, he says he drank it before and throws the cup away. You have 3 choices:
1) "Fuck you. Why did you throw that cup away, that fucking cup costed me $199.90!"
2) Grab him by his head and slam it onto the wall.
3) Walk away.
If you chose 3, no, you are not a man, but yes it is better to not waste time on such people.
AND THAT PERSON IS... I am not going to tell.
But surely, he is going to get what I got from him, at least the next time he speaks to me.
PS. flakk, delete your damn blog if you don't want to update it.
Monday, December 25, 2006
The 7 Minutes
Something happened and I am not sure of how I am going to explain it's impact on me, but the feeling is something that I have been through in the past and now I am going through it again.
For now, at least, I will be low on mood so I would like to be left alone for awhile until I am ready to talk to someone again.
As for my personal messages, please do not take them to heart because I have a lot of people in my list and the possibility of me pointing fingers at you are slim. This is not an attempt to boast my large amount of online contacts.
However if you're pretty sure that I am accusing you of something, please let me know if it is really that offending to you. I may be critical, but I am not a psychopath.
Till then.
PS. flakk, update your blog please.
For now, at least, I will be low on mood so I would like to be left alone for awhile until I am ready to talk to someone again.
As for my personal messages, please do not take them to heart because I have a lot of people in my list and the possibility of me pointing fingers at you are slim. This is not an attempt to boast my large amount of online contacts.
However if you're pretty sure that I am accusing you of something, please let me know if it is really that offending to you. I may be critical, but I am not a psychopath.
Till then.
PS. flakk, update your blog please.
Christmas
What it appears from the outside is that things are resolved and there are no more problems, but on the inside it's the opposite.
It may seem wrong for a child to ask for his/her money back from his/her parents, like in traditional chinese families we, as their children, should never go against them. What is happening here is doubt, lack of faith, their usual mix up of the quality of understanding with trust, which doesn't fit together.
Understanding someone has nothing to do with trusting him/her, yet they attribute my lack of trust for them to not being unable to understand them. I'm part to blame because I suspected them of being thieves and having hidden motives behind their actions, but that's how I was made to be, and ironically by they themselves.
- thinks about the past for awhile -
People often think of me as being petty, even over trivial matters that 'wouldn't hurt much.' It is like some of the shows they put on TV or in cinemas, where the protagonist gets betrayed by someone close to him, then he starts to see everyone as a suspect and finally he dies alone.
We all hate backstabbers, traitors and the like, yet how many actually try to prevent such people from getting close? You can call me weak because I don't trust people just after getting bitten once. If that is the case, you would be the stupid one to keep letting people get free stabs on your back.
No, really, think about it. You're just stupid.
I will get my money back on Wednesday. $1500, to be exact, yet I feel that it's just another attempt to 'patch things up' and get me to forget about the money matter. I am not going to fall for it.
I should stop talking about shitty topics like this.
Well apparently ZW has sent YJ FFIX disc one, and I'm not happy about it, so I'm not going to do anything as it is a complete waste of time :).
Another guy pissed me off by using my nick and going around saying that 'I'm (cream is) a pussy.' Permanent ignore.
Being online in MSN messenger makes me feel so sad that I can actually laugh and end the program instantly. Just to make it clear...
No, not because;
- I blocked too many people
- Too many people blocked me
- Too little people online
- Too many people online
- Too many people talking to me
- Too little people talking to me
- Someone placed 'I hate Byan/cream/Neue' in his/her nickname
Yes, it's because;
- I'm disgusting. NO U.
Enjoy your Christmas people, especially with your family. I don't have one so I don't need to.
Later.
It may seem wrong for a child to ask for his/her money back from his/her parents, like in traditional chinese families we, as their children, should never go against them. What is happening here is doubt, lack of faith, their usual mix up of the quality of understanding with trust, which doesn't fit together.
Understanding someone has nothing to do with trusting him/her, yet they attribute my lack of trust for them to not being unable to understand them. I'm part to blame because I suspected them of being thieves and having hidden motives behind their actions, but that's how I was made to be, and ironically by they themselves.
- thinks about the past for awhile -
People often think of me as being petty, even over trivial matters that 'wouldn't hurt much.' It is like some of the shows they put on TV or in cinemas, where the protagonist gets betrayed by someone close to him, then he starts to see everyone as a suspect and finally he dies alone.
We all hate backstabbers, traitors and the like, yet how many actually try to prevent such people from getting close? You can call me weak because I don't trust people just after getting bitten once. If that is the case, you would be the stupid one to keep letting people get free stabs on your back.
No, really, think about it. You're just stupid.
I will get my money back on Wednesday. $1500, to be exact, yet I feel that it's just another attempt to 'patch things up' and get me to forget about the money matter. I am not going to fall for it.
I should stop talking about shitty topics like this.
Well apparently ZW has sent YJ FFIX disc one, and I'm not happy about it, so I'm not going to do anything as it is a complete waste of time :).
Another guy pissed me off by using my nick and going around saying that 'I'm (cream is) a pussy.' Permanent ignore.
Being online in MSN messenger makes me feel so sad that I can actually laugh and end the program instantly. Just to make it clear...
No, not because;
- I blocked too many people
- Too many people blocked me
- Too little people online
- Too many people online
- Too many people talking to me
- Too little people talking to me
- Someone placed 'I hate Byan/cream/Neue' in his/her nickname
Yes, it's because;
- I'm disgusting. NO U.
Enjoy your Christmas people, especially with your family. I don't have one so I don't need to.
Later.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
On Christmas Eve
Every single line stated below is factual and dependable, though they may only seem to be used for the sake of attracting attention.
I had a dream about the person I permanently blocked last year. In that dream, he turned into a good man and when I woke up I had the urge to re-add him, but too bad since I soon shook myself out of the spell and reassured myself that he's still a level 75 cunt.
Our recently removed Arrowhead came into my temporary home server, obviously without the intention to play properly. It seems like his purpose there was just to bootlick B and spite me. Failed attempt, though.
Just a while ago I realised that my internet settings are locked by that kid next door. I tried to reset it using the old method but now it requires me to phone the fucking representative for a 'temporary password' that lasts only 15 minutes. What the fuck?
I also realised that someone has been stealing money out of my secret stash, and my traps were obviously ruined by myself when I tried to take some money out. I am now asking that $1500 that my mother owes me back.
I am intending to severe ties with my siblings, and this is no joking matter. From today onwards they will be no more than strangers to me. For those of you who have siblings, especially those younger than you, don't let them become high level cunts like mine.
Today had also led me to finally believe that there is no hope for salvation in my family, no, this family. It no longer belongs to me. It DISGUSTS me to be in this family. I've also written out a furious email to my aunt and another letter that's filled with much less anger to my most reliable internet pal. Yes, he's older than me and no it's not you, period.
Well, I do have savings of over a thousand dollars right here in my pockets now. I'll be able to survive for at least a month out there, excluding payment for some place to sleep, so...
Whatever it is, this is just like the bad rage 3 years ago, except this time I'm not suicidal. In fact, I'm pretty much into murder right now. Praying to the almighty gods wouldn't work. I've always considered myself on the devil side, but that's only if I believed in such things.
You thought your cream was just another 17 year old guy living somewhere in Singapore wasting his life away on computer games. The truth is I've had a terrible past with my family, especially matters concerning my parents and their divorce.
All the while I've been searching for a reason to live, I admit, ever since turning suicidal 3 years back. I've lost people dear to me, though I've not yet experienced any of their deaths, and I've been through setbacks that I could not overcome, only put away by diverting my attention to something else.
I hope that one day, really, I can just move away from here and live my life the way I want it to be. I wouldn't need a family, since my past experiences with it have caused me to shiver upon mentioning of the word itself.
You can't blame me for that. It's due to unforeseen circumstances, there's no way I could have controlled my life and turned things around back then.
On Christmas Eve, too.
I had a dream about the person I permanently blocked last year. In that dream, he turned into a good man and when I woke up I had the urge to re-add him, but too bad since I soon shook myself out of the spell and reassured myself that he's still a level 75 cunt.
Our recently removed Arrowhead came into my temporary home server, obviously without the intention to play properly. It seems like his purpose there was just to bootlick B and spite me. Failed attempt, though.
Just a while ago I realised that my internet settings are locked by that kid next door. I tried to reset it using the old method but now it requires me to phone the fucking representative for a 'temporary password' that lasts only 15 minutes. What the fuck?
I also realised that someone has been stealing money out of my secret stash, and my traps were obviously ruined by myself when I tried to take some money out. I am now asking that $1500 that my mother owes me back.
I am intending to severe ties with my siblings, and this is no joking matter. From today onwards they will be no more than strangers to me. For those of you who have siblings, especially those younger than you, don't let them become high level cunts like mine.
Today had also led me to finally believe that there is no hope for salvation in my family, no, this family. It no longer belongs to me. It DISGUSTS me to be in this family. I've also written out a furious email to my aunt and another letter that's filled with much less anger to my most reliable internet pal. Yes, he's older than me and no it's not you, period.
Well, I do have savings of over a thousand dollars right here in my pockets now. I'll be able to survive for at least a month out there, excluding payment for some place to sleep, so...
Whatever it is, this is just like the bad rage 3 years ago, except this time I'm not suicidal. In fact, I'm pretty much into murder right now. Praying to the almighty gods wouldn't work. I've always considered myself on the devil side, but that's only if I believed in such things.
You thought your cream was just another 17 year old guy living somewhere in Singapore wasting his life away on computer games. The truth is I've had a terrible past with my family, especially matters concerning my parents and their divorce.
All the while I've been searching for a reason to live, I admit, ever since turning suicidal 3 years back. I've lost people dear to me, though I've not yet experienced any of their deaths, and I've been through setbacks that I could not overcome, only put away by diverting my attention to something else.
I hope that one day, really, I can just move away from here and live my life the way I want it to be. I wouldn't need a family, since my past experiences with it have caused me to shiver upon mentioning of the word itself.
You can't blame me for that. It's due to unforeseen circumstances, there's no way I could have controlled my life and turned things around back then.
On Christmas Eve, too.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Nightstalker
Specifically designed to stay awake at night.
It's been raining quite a lot these few days, though it's pretty senseless to point out since it's the monsoon season, but it's now and when the rain can really pull some down into depression... just like three years ago.
Static chills.
It's also a time when keeping your windows completely shut, turning off your fans and trying to have your computer heat up the room through excessive processing won't work, at all. Rice stench in here now.
"So as I pray... Unlimited Blarg Works!
Intended. I've broken the highest number of rage quits in one day - 5. I'm not going to complain about it because it's pointless. The people I'm talking to are often stupid and ignorant and overly sensitive to criticism. Too bad, I'm critical.
Router wars.
After disabling their internet for three straight days (and having them reporting to the 'higher ups' as well,) I've been forced to give up and surrender, though thankfully, without giving up the router.
Ghost in the shell.
I am calling from the depths of longing.
To sum it up.
Arrowhead - permanent removal for causing me so much trouble with other people.
The rest of you can just shut up, especially those who intend to make things worse by interfering. I won't talk to you either, as it's a complete waste of my time.
Once again.
I am calm. It's time to prepare for today.
It's been raining quite a lot these few days, though it's pretty senseless to point out since it's the monsoon season, but it's now and when the rain can really pull some down into depression... just like three years ago.
Static chills.
It's also a time when keeping your windows completely shut, turning off your fans and trying to have your computer heat up the room through excessive processing won't work, at all. Rice stench in here now.
"So as I pray... Unlimited Blarg Works!
Intended. I've broken the highest number of rage quits in one day - 5. I'm not going to complain about it because it's pointless. The people I'm talking to are often stupid and ignorant and overly sensitive to criticism. Too bad, I'm critical.
Router wars.
After disabling their internet for three straight days (and having them reporting to the 'higher ups' as well,) I've been forced to give up and surrender, though thankfully, without giving up the router.
Ghost in the shell.
I am calling from the depths of longing.
To sum it up.
Arrowhead - permanent removal for causing me so much trouble with other people.
The rest of you can just shut up, especially those who intend to make things worse by interfering. I won't talk to you either, as it's a complete waste of my time.
Once again.
I am calm. It's time to prepare for today.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Life After Secondary School
It isn't as great as I thought it would be. I'm worried about my results.
Anyway, I feel like I'm being watched. It's annoying when someone else knows about your name, gender, current age, weight/height when you don't even know them.
I've just graduated from secondary school, which is actually something secretive because I skipped school WITHOUT anyone knowing about it. My records in the MOE should have shown that I've graduated a year ago, not this year, yet I received no pointless magazines from polytechnics last year, which surprised me.
This year it came and I'm really disappointed. Right in the cover page and into your face - trendy teens, or Singapore Idols if they have one in their campus. Inside? More photos of trendy teens smiling at each other while pressing buttons on the keyboard blankly or sitting around in the campus PRETENDING to be working.
I feel as if my hatred for the afternoon sun is back again.
Well, there is no way I'm going to enter the army, especially when I haven't passed my latest NAPFA test yet. JC isn't an option too, since I pretty much expect there's no way I'm going to be able to get into one. ITE is out of the question, obviously and period.
My mother saw the magazine cover and told me that it's more like advertising for the Singapore Idols instead of their school. While I don't exactly feel the same way as she does about the idols, there's no way I'm going to enter that particular polytechnic just because the idol is/studied there.
I hope things turn out better when I enter a polytechnic and see it for myself, really, because currently every polytechnic is portraying themselves as trend/idol whores, which puts me off greatly.
They have totally got the whole thing wrong. Polytechnics are to prepare you for work life, not some fashion show.
*sigh* Looks like I was borned too late.
Anyway, I feel like I'm being watched. It's annoying when someone else knows about your name, gender, current age, weight/height when you don't even know them.
I've just graduated from secondary school, which is actually something secretive because I skipped school WITHOUT anyone knowing about it. My records in the MOE should have shown that I've graduated a year ago, not this year, yet I received no pointless magazines from polytechnics last year, which surprised me.
This year it came and I'm really disappointed. Right in the cover page and into your face - trendy teens, or Singapore Idols if they have one in their campus. Inside? More photos of trendy teens smiling at each other while pressing buttons on the keyboard blankly or sitting around in the campus PRETENDING to be working.
I feel as if my hatred for the afternoon sun is back again.
Well, there is no way I'm going to enter the army, especially when I haven't passed my latest NAPFA test yet. JC isn't an option too, since I pretty much expect there's no way I'm going to be able to get into one. ITE is out of the question, obviously and period.
My mother saw the magazine cover and told me that it's more like advertising for the Singapore Idols instead of their school. While I don't exactly feel the same way as she does about the idols, there's no way I'm going to enter that particular polytechnic just because the idol is/studied there.
I hope things turn out better when I enter a polytechnic and see it for myself, really, because currently every polytechnic is portraying themselves as trend/idol whores, which puts me off greatly.
They have totally got the whole thing wrong. Polytechnics are to prepare you for work life, not some fashion show.
*sigh* Looks like I was borned too late.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Vulture-man, vulture friends.
Are you a vulture-man?
What exactly is a vulture-man? Vultures are scavengers - they hunt down leftovers, so vulture-men are people who take in whatever that's left anywhere.
In short, being content with whatever you're given. Being a vulture-man assures you of a steady social circle, because you don't swap in your current 'besties' for the cooler ones.
Speaking of coolness, when rappers say cool, you can safely replace the word with fail, so when they say "I'm cool yo" assume it's "I'm fail yo."
Was playing a game yesterday when I noticed this guy, with a real name, joining in. He said it was his friend's real name, and by putting it as his own in the internet he can go around 'avoiding blame.'
Well, that's bad news. My name is too unique. It's not like those Davids, Alberts, Benjamins and etc you know. Those are really internationally used so it can be anyone, but it's not the same for Byans.
How many Byans do you know? Maybe 20 around the globe. In Singapore? Maybe just me.
Despite that, because I have a unique name, I own, period.
What exactly is a vulture-man? Vultures are scavengers - they hunt down leftovers, so vulture-men are people who take in whatever that's left anywhere.
In short, being content with whatever you're given. Being a vulture-man assures you of a steady social circle, because you don't swap in your current 'besties' for the cooler ones.
Speaking of coolness, when rappers say cool, you can safely replace the word with fail, so when they say "I'm cool yo" assume it's "I'm fail yo."
Was playing a game yesterday when I noticed this guy, with a real name, joining in. He said it was his friend's real name, and by putting it as his own in the internet he can go around 'avoiding blame.'
Well, that's bad news. My name is too unique. It's not like those Davids, Alberts, Benjamins and etc you know. Those are really internationally used so it can be anyone, but it's not the same for Byans.
How many Byans do you know? Maybe 20 around the globe. In Singapore? Maybe just me.
Despite that, because I have a unique name, I own, period.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Aaron's style,
Lol I raged at someone today and I am not going to apologise lol it's not like there's anything to it and so lol I'm not going to say anything lol and I can't be bothered by it anymore lol it's just a waste of time lol.
Self-control. Everything else is just a waste of my time.
Self-control. Everything else is just a waste of my time.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
She loves nobody.
I got lazy halfway, so I won't be completing it for the next hour.
It's just hard to focus on something for more than 30 minutes, because around that time my right hand begins to disobey me and there's nothing much I can do with my left hand, then my eyes will begin to complain and I'll have to do something else.
Well if you were to compare me as a 'human battery' along with few other 'normal' ones I'll be the one that provides a lot of energy for only a very short time, though I don't need sleep to recharge myself.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Oh yes, I had a blog since long ago.
VERY BAD DREAM OF ME GETTING 20+ FOR MY O'S and my primary school teachers were like sighing when I told them about it and I was going to cry and this and that and and and more ands. Those frigging dreams will never stop jumping from one thing to another when you have them.
Thy will update along the way.
VERY BAD DREAM OF ME GETTING 20+ FOR MY O'S and my primary school teachers were like sighing when I told them about it and I was going to cry and this and that and and and more ands. Those frigging dreams will never stop jumping from one thing to another when you have them.
Thy will update along the way.
Friday, December 08, 2006
DWS - Part 2
DWS stands for Dealing With Singaporeans. This is part 2 of it.
The next issue is not just a local problem. From how I see it, it's global, yet Singaporeans have their own unique style in expressing it, so I guess it's applicable to this topic. Another thing is that this generally applies only to FEMALES. I said generally.
It's the problem not being able to shut up.
I rarely give up in a fight. If I do, it's probably because there's no point arguing with my opponent. As for why there is no point in arguing, see part 1.
Especially those who are exceptionally skilled in the English language, too, since because they have a good command of that language they tend to babble off-topic. While they might embarrass you, they're also embarrassing themselves unknowingly.
As for examples, there is no need to pull in one from a video game - it's unnecessary. Only someone who has no life would actually bother to show off his bullshitting skills in a video game anyway.
We Singaporeans are too sure of ourselves, no matter how one may be 'humble', since we're always enjoying the attention that one gets from it secretly. Be true to yourself and ask - it's a fact.
Yours truly gave up a fight because he can't stand the thought of raising the status of his opponent from an elitist to a mega-fucktard, attention given by people who were there to witness the argument but having absolutely no clue of what's going on other than the use of 'perfect english'. In short, worshipping of a bullshitter.
Just to make it clear, speaking good english has nothing to do with speaking with wisdom, AT ALL.
My opponent was one of the more respected people in my list and I willingly gave in to him, which made myself, in a way, more inferior compared to him, but he didn't stop there. There's the problem. Babbling on as if you've not had enough degrading someone who willingly gave in to you. Ought to be ashamed of yourself in that situation.
He's probably thinking that he's Mr-Omnipotent. What he doesn't know is that he lost this fight - he was wrong in every point that he made (not only wrong. I dare say every one of them lacked common sense) and he is not worth my time.
So much for the 'more intelligent' people of this country. I say just people who are good at bullshitting in 'perfect english'.
I haven't regard myself as one of the 'more intelligent' people and I admit to having IQ low enough to not know how to differentiate a square from a circle, so that doesn't apply to me.
- end of part 2 -
December blues and I've got no life.
I just stepped outside for awhile to fetch some meat paus and was brought to this sudden realisation of "Oh my god. How long has it been since I last stepped out?" thing. To think I came back from that bus stop across the road everyday earlier this year, how did I survive?
Doesn't matter now. Other than humping corpses in games and sleeping all day there's nothing much left to do.
I should get to sleep.
The next issue is not just a local problem. From how I see it, it's global, yet Singaporeans have their own unique style in expressing it, so I guess it's applicable to this topic. Another thing is that this generally applies only to FEMALES. I said generally.
It's the problem not being able to shut up.
I rarely give up in a fight. If I do, it's probably because there's no point arguing with my opponent. As for why there is no point in arguing, see part 1.
Especially those who are exceptionally skilled in the English language, too, since because they have a good command of that language they tend to babble off-topic. While they might embarrass you, they're also embarrassing themselves unknowingly.
As for examples, there is no need to pull in one from a video game - it's unnecessary. Only someone who has no life would actually bother to show off his bullshitting skills in a video game anyway.
We Singaporeans are too sure of ourselves, no matter how one may be 'humble', since we're always enjoying the attention that one gets from it secretly. Be true to yourself and ask - it's a fact.
Yours truly gave up a fight because he can't stand the thought of raising the status of his opponent from an elitist to a mega-fucktard, attention given by people who were there to witness the argument but having absolutely no clue of what's going on other than the use of 'perfect english'. In short, worshipping of a bullshitter.
Just to make it clear, speaking good english has nothing to do with speaking with wisdom, AT ALL.
My opponent was one of the more respected people in my list and I willingly gave in to him, which made myself, in a way, more inferior compared to him, but he didn't stop there. There's the problem. Babbling on as if you've not had enough degrading someone who willingly gave in to you. Ought to be ashamed of yourself in that situation.
He's probably thinking that he's Mr-Omnipotent. What he doesn't know is that he lost this fight - he was wrong in every point that he made (not only wrong. I dare say every one of them lacked common sense) and he is not worth my time.
So much for the 'more intelligent' people of this country. I say just people who are good at bullshitting in 'perfect english'.
I haven't regard myself as one of the 'more intelligent' people and I admit to having IQ low enough to not know how to differentiate a square from a circle, so that doesn't apply to me.
- end of part 2 -
December blues and I've got no life.
I just stepped outside for awhile to fetch some meat paus and was brought to this sudden realisation of "Oh my god. How long has it been since I last stepped out?" thing. To think I came back from that bus stop across the road everyday earlier this year, how did I survive?
Doesn't matter now. Other than humping corpses in games and sleeping all day there's nothing much left to do.
I should get to sleep.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
DWS - Part 1
DWS stands for Dealing With Singaporeans. This post is part 1 of it.
I'm a Singaporean, no doubt, so obviously I understand the many slangs that my fellow countrymen use over the net. I thought I could handle them, but it turned out to be more difficult.
It's partly my fault and their fault - mine for being unable to articulate myself well, putting myself at a disadvantage and theirs for being so ignorant and stupid.
By stupid I mean really stupid. They just can't seem to understand english in it's 'purest' form.
We know the typical 'yawnz', 'your mother/father is etc' and 'keep barking/whining like dog', including threats to beat you up/hack your com/ban you from server, whole lot of utter crap. So it happens that when you actually retaliate they reveal themselves as idiots, probably because they failed their english.
Further leading to several cases whereby they accuse you of being a kid and some of the examples listed above.
I'm also amused by their only ability worth learning from - subject hopping. How can you associate barking with a flood? How do you associate your score in a video game with money? How can you ever associate age with simple chat messages?
It's true that I'm no 20 year old guy still wasting my life away on computer games, but some of them are and they will almost have nothing else to say when you accuse them of having no life. It's a fact and that's why they have no choice but to shut up.
But so far I'm feeling good about semi-owning them in an argument. From how I see it they should be around my age, definitely not more than 20. It's sad to see them like this.
- End of Part 1 -
We all know that I've blocked several people in my list, but turns out I'm not the only one doing it.
Check one of my links.
I don't know if I'm one of those included and it's better not to assume. After all, since it's December, I can take anything anyone throws at me. It's the month for me to brood over stuff and do nothing all day.
Some belated birthday wishes from people, I must add, including those from some unexpected people like Mark. It really depressing when friends, CLOSE ones, actually forgot all about your birthday and while someone that knew you for a month or so over the net wishes you a happy birthday - only after hearing your birth-date once, too.
"Cry out loud for someone to hear you,
for in this bottomless pit you're sobbing
everyday
and watching the sun drift past the open hole.
So cry out loud for anyone to hear you,
for there shouldn't be any hole you can see
anywhere
and neither should there be any in whole."
I shall step back for awhile.
I'm a Singaporean, no doubt, so obviously I understand the many slangs that my fellow countrymen use over the net. I thought I could handle them, but it turned out to be more difficult.
It's partly my fault and their fault - mine for being unable to articulate myself well, putting myself at a disadvantage and theirs for being so ignorant and stupid.
By stupid I mean really stupid. They just can't seem to understand english in it's 'purest' form.
We know the typical 'yawnz', 'your mother/father is etc' and 'keep barking/whining like dog', including threats to beat you up/hack your com/ban you from server, whole lot of utter crap. So it happens that when you actually retaliate they reveal themselves as idiots, probably because they failed their english.
Further leading to several cases whereby they accuse you of being a kid and some of the examples listed above.
I'm also amused by their only ability worth learning from - subject hopping. How can you associate barking with a flood? How do you associate your score in a video game with money? How can you ever associate age with simple chat messages?
It's true that I'm no 20 year old guy still wasting my life away on computer games, but some of them are and they will almost have nothing else to say when you accuse them of having no life. It's a fact and that's why they have no choice but to shut up.
But so far I'm feeling good about semi-owning them in an argument. From how I see it they should be around my age, definitely not more than 20. It's sad to see them like this.
- End of Part 1 -
We all know that I've blocked several people in my list, but turns out I'm not the only one doing it.
Check one of my links.
I don't know if I'm one of those included and it's better not to assume. After all, since it's December, I can take anything anyone throws at me. It's the month for me to brood over stuff and do nothing all day.
Some belated birthday wishes from people, I must add, including those from some unexpected people like Mark. It really depressing when friends, CLOSE ones, actually forgot all about your birthday and while someone that knew you for a month or so over the net wishes you a happy birthday - only after hearing your birth-date once, too.
"Cry out loud for someone to hear you,
for in this bottomless pit you're sobbing
everyday
and watching the sun drift past the open hole.
So cry out loud for anyone to hear you,
for there shouldn't be any hole you can see
anywhere
and neither should there be any in whole."
I shall step back for awhile.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Changes
Had a short downtime of 27 hours due to the thunderstorm. Must be retribution. It didn't affect my deleting schedule anyway.
I give up on waiting for people to ask me out on my birthday. Ever had this situation where the other party knows that he/she just HAVE to ask you out, but instead of striking up a conversation with you to explain why they can't, they place a 'too-busy-to-think-of-other-stuff' tag, or something like that, on their nicknames?
That only happens when they can't think of any good excuse or they just can't be bothered to talk with you, which is sad for me because, after knowing them for so many years and shit, they're still doing this.
It's not the fear of being alone in this world without anybody there to care for me. I've grown used to this situation and in fact I do prefer isolation. It saves you from all those relationship problems and stuff.
But, hey, when was the first time we met? 5 years ago? We came so far and?
This is making me feel as if tomorrow won't be December 4. All I had received was a card sent by an insurance agent who kept pestering my father and ONLY ONE birthday wish from Edward. Not only that. The card had no vouchers this year (always included last time) and Edward only did it after I told him tomorrow's my birthday.
I won't kill myself for that. It's not worth it. I'd kill you guys instead.
Well, it's not like I have nothing to do.
Happy birthday Fiaz.
I give up on waiting for people to ask me out on my birthday. Ever had this situation where the other party knows that he/she just HAVE to ask you out, but instead of striking up a conversation with you to explain why they can't, they place a 'too-busy-to-think-of-other-stuff' tag, or something like that, on their nicknames?
That only happens when they can't think of any good excuse or they just can't be bothered to talk with you, which is sad for me because, after knowing them for so many years and shit, they're still doing this.
It's not the fear of being alone in this world without anybody there to care for me. I've grown used to this situation and in fact I do prefer isolation. It saves you from all those relationship problems and stuff.
But, hey, when was the first time we met? 5 years ago? We came so far and?
This is making me feel as if tomorrow won't be December 4. All I had received was a card sent by an insurance agent who kept pestering my father and ONLY ONE birthday wish from Edward. Not only that. The card had no vouchers this year (always included last time) and Edward only did it after I told him tomorrow's my birthday.
I won't kill myself for that. It's not worth it. I'd kill you guys instead.
Well, it's not like I have nothing to do.
Happy birthday Fiaz.
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