Forgot the wasabi.

I don't know what you people out there think about friendship as part of your lives, since it's a controversial issue and should be just left to one's own interpretation, but I thought I might as well share my own views on it.

While I believe true friendship exists, it can only happen between two people who either

1) Have no job/no school/too much income
Or
2) Ain't productive in their free time

You can't blame someone who got betrayed by one of his own trusted friends at a young age. He dropped out on our project last minute and ran off to work with another guy. Should have mutilated him on the spot back then.

That incident led to several changes in me. From my last personality disorder test it said that I was 'highly' paranoid and 'mildly' anti-social. There you go.

A few of my eccentric behavior/habits/exploits include planning to back out on outings last minute, turning down social events, isolation and very a weird way of thinking.

Which led to those self-denial periods, mood-swings, lack of knowledge of what's happening next door, animosity towards girls (I said girls,) self-centeredness, heavy reliance on street directories and all that shit.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Coming to think of it, that's why I choose my friends carefully. What you would call your 'fair-weather friends' mean no more than strangers to me, while 'normal friends' are 'semi-dangerous people' and 'best friends' are 'quite-dangerous people'.

Deletion is the only option out of any mess involving friendship. You may think it only happens within the computer, but so far I've been able to remove someone off my mind without feeling any guilt for 6 years - and he's one of my best friends (not that teamhopper.)

Life's like that. You meet people along the road. Most of them say hi, some of them stop to talk with you and only a few agree to get on your car. Once they change lanes that's it, they're gone, no point getting upset all over it.

It may be wrong to think this way, but at least it's better than trying to deny the fact that you're paranoid and accusing everyone of being backstabbers, like Andre.

Also, the problem with me is that I only choose roads with one lane, so those people that I meet will be on the side that goes the direction opposite of mine.

So far, these roads haven't failed me yet.

The reversion process.

Aka meditation.

I feel so talkative all of a sudden.

North Vibes - Inner Peace

2 more days till the deadline. Time to start preparing for that grand day.

What's that grand day? It's the day when I first removed someone off my list, permanently. It felt good.

That's all.

Seacrest out.

Level 50 Esuna

I'll cut the crap. Esuna is resistance against all status effects.

Ok I won't.

I can no longer put up with you all. Having me sleeping all day and not 'appearing online' is not an excuse. Oh dear I nearly swore at that cunt too and told him to fuck off.

Hmm.

I am going to DELETE YOU ALL you hear? I am going to do it depending on my mood for the next few days. Take it as an threat, a wussy's poorest excuse, over-possessive, ANYTHING - I AM GOING TO DELETE YOU ALL, and I won't go back on it this time.

I'm tired of this shit. Lol.

And who the fuck wants to go travelling at this time of the year? You're talking to a com nerd, mind you. I can't even reach the other side of this disgusting island on my own, needless to say reaching the other side of the world.

I take it as an attempt to murder me.

I'm really so fucking tired. Lol.

Oh yes, another thing, about KFC. It's all lumps of flour actually. It used to be all meaty and spicy and shit. Now, not only did they cut down on the amount of spices used, they also used smaller pieces of meat with more, m0rE, MORE, MOOOOOREEEEE FLOUR.

Fucking cheap, just like you ZW.

Why not go play with Chocolates and Koks? The pun is intended. You are so desperate for players that you have to ask those on MY SIDE? Oh dear there I go again. Banned from raging.

Thy shall not get angry over people younger than me. The only wise ones on my list are the 20+ oldbies, though I don't know since when did people younger than me started to flood in.

Fuck. I must revert. Now.

Lastly, yours truly has spent 2 whole hours in MSPaint on this farewell gift to all those that I'm about to remove, and of course, not forgetting our level 60 cunt, you-know-who.



Well you can ignore it if you manage to survive, but I highly doubt you will. If you do, too, take it that I'm on a very good mood, because Byan seldom forgives and he NEVER FORGETS.

Suck English

Untitled

at the beginning of this road
a simple wish for a birthday

the second time you meet
it's an outing on that date

yet the third time you've never met
because they visited you

dropped your present off at the door
and walked away

the fourth year after the bumpy road
you asked them out again

and each of them told you
they've already changed lanes

now it's the fifth
you wonder if you should ask

though you don't know what they'll say
but you know don't you?

"i'm not free on that day"

By me. It shows the limits of my vocab and the inability to talk in super chim england to make it sound sophisticated.

Nevertheless...

Let's see what happens in the next 10 days.

Byan casts Reflection!

I didn't realise that my water heater had such an obscene name until I bathed just now. I suppose Atmor is the name of a devil, then.

Struck down with fever 2 days back, though a minor one. Had been feeling very sleepy then, not being even able to last until 3am in the morning. So I slept early, and woke up as early as my mum, which is like... 4 hours of sleep?

I can't concentrate on solitaire due to my sleepiness, since whenever I got stuck I pressed F2 straight. The amount of sleep I lost in the past can never be recovered I guess, since from then onwards I had to strain my eyes to focus on something.

Therefore, for me to concentrate on any game is bullcrap. I've never been able to play them seriously. It's all driven by instinct and intuition.

I'm still thinking of what to do the next month. I'm definitely not going anywhere public, so I'll probably be rotting at home, but rotting at home, too, needs a purpose. I think I'll get a fapcom tablet, or whatever you call it.

Then for matters that involve relationships, I find myself falling out with more and more people. I'm sorry but sometimes I just hate someone so much that I want him/her dead (though there's never been a 'her'.)

As for me being at fault for "ruining relationships" myself I've never admitted to it, especially on the internet. Take for example, Nicholas, aka rain, kira, Exodus morpling and cunt. I create maps during my spare time and I create maps just for the sake of having fun, which is true, but I can't stand someone degrading my map verbally, especially without having any evidence as backbone.

I doubt he is even qualified to criticise my masterpieces, since he doesn't even know how to open the world editor. How noob is that?

It's a sad life not because of people like him. It's a sad life because I'm actually getting angry over people like him. Where did the mentality of that 27 year old Byan go? I seem to have lost it after I met my gay minions.

That's all for my reflection really, even though I still believe there's nothing wrong with me, which is funny because I had always believe that to reflect is to find fault within yourself.

Oh, too bad humans can't go into hibernation during December, too.

PS. The day you see me offline is the day when something had happened in the past, and I'm not willing to remember it.

Liberation.

Nothing much to write or mention in here other than the next few weeks is going to be damn cold.

It's finally coming. My month.

I am defeated again.

The Dark Room

getting used to the dark where
nothing gets reflected into my eyes
neither my mind

so i reached out for anything in there
silently, lifelessly, limping across the cold marble
into the black screen

where the light wouldn't see me
where i'll remain to hide my eyes
yet i saw with consciousness

or rather imagined, the path out as a beginning
out of the womb into this broken doll house
from the loving one

the pain embraced her, but i don't know how much i gave
as happiness or relief, or how i came here
on my own

i've wished in death's name, wished for the eternal
while i slept on every night,
for me whom may be dismayed?

yet death seemed to have forgotten it's name
or just unable to take someone who is already dead
away

and in the familiar darkness my life continues
waning bit by bit as my body drifts into the void
it's as long as it takes

Took me quite awhile to finish it. It's my latest piece of emo shit written in the middle of the night. Without any lights on, obviously.

Untitled

how many times i laid there like a dead man
waiting for the music to shake me awake
then the bass started whispering
my ears tingled

which is why that many times i laid there defunct
for the moment that i'll fall asleep
then the bass started booming
my ears hurted

but so many times i laid there like a corspe
life drained but music's still playing
then the bass started screaming
my ear drums nearly bursted

so that many times i laid there lifeless
everything going in slow motion
then the bass started fading away
my ears?

That's one of the older stuff.

Mood swings isn't a good thing. Other than ruining relationships with people, it has also caused me to delete some of my older poems when I'm not comfortable with it.

Evasive. That's one of the rare (and transient, I might add) non-primal trait that the society today instills into people. We evade subjects, topics or anything that involves sensitive, controversial issues like life and death, seeking out alternatives to 'cure' ourselves like therapy or counseling.

I find it unnecessary. The irony here is that most of us BELIEVE (or know) that it's a problem, yet we try to run away from it by delving into more 'interesting' subjects, which primary aim is just to keep our path in life straight, to not lose faith, to stop ourselves from straying.

There is no original route you must take, as said by one of our own countrymen in some random forum on the topic 'the purpose of life';

"How about to experience and live out your own beliefs?"

Running away has completely no relation to living out your beliefs. Anyone with basic common sense would be able to understand that.

It is true that what you believe in, be it religion, culture, tradition or superstition MAY be real, but that's about it. I don't believe in living my life by having faith in non-existant entities and I don't evade the topic on either life or death.

That's about the only thing I don't run away from.

Birthday in 15 days, about 2 weeks. Ever since smashing up that birthday cake by my father (partly because he screwed up my birth date. I'm your eldest son, sir, YOUR FIRST BABY, and you screwed up my birth date.) then leaving the house with a broken glass table shattered into a million pieces to 'have a talk' with my close friends I've been expecting that particular day to be... as simple as it is. I need no birthday celebrations, nor presents, nor cakes, nor cards, nor wishes.

I hope it rains tomorrow.

I'm lucky enough to meet two people of the same birth date as me. Happy birthday Bun and Kev, though it's a little early.

Bye.

So...

You thought all that gays knew was to get anal-ed by men.

PRACTICAL AIM

After great pain, what would the body
learn that it does not already know

of relief? When that fire-truck has raged
past, what do I rediscover about silence

except that I would always miss it?
Do trees mind if it is the same wind

that passes through their heads everyday?
After the mall is completed, must we

remember the field it now inhabits
where we raced each other as children?

If my lover forgets to wake me with a kiss
a second time this week, should I worry?

Does solitude offer strength over time, or
is denial of it the only practical aim?

After the earthquake, would it matter
if no one saw two dogs from different

families approaching each other
without suspicion, then moving apart?

As the workers wash their faces hidden
by helmets that beam back the sun,

should they care about the new building
behind them beyond a fear of it falling?

If my mother cannot see how else to be
happy, is it enough that she may lie

in bed, convinced God watches her sleep?
After deep loss, what does the heart

learn that it has not already understood
about regret? When all light finally

forsakes a room, do we take the time
to interrogate the dark, and to what end?

- Cyril Wong

A wonder-not-so-ful day.

Having slept for less than 5 hours will really prove to be a disaster when you attempt something on later in the day. Experience tells me this, and today is the day of that experience.

I studied briefly while telling cyber whores off in CS servers before finally resting in peace at 7 am. Woke up around 12 later and saw this baby that my mother was helping to take care of.

I got pissed. I don't know why.

Was given bakuteh together with rice and that's about it for lunch. Mother insisted on having me consume a half-boiled egg, but after I got dressed up I just left the house straight.

Trip to school was a tough one, for I thought I saw an ex-schoolmate along the road. Kept trying to recollect what I've learned and what else I've missed out when TVMobile kept shoving music into my ears. I wasted time I guess.

On arriving I was greeted by my irregular gang who spoke briefly with me.

Paper 1 came. It was kinda easy. The only reason why it'd be hard will be because of several questions that you have to bomb. Since bombing is my forte, it is of no problem.

Paper 2 is harder because I found myself struggling with chapters that I've studied last night, but forgot them during the exam. I finished everything though.

After which some tore up their entry proof, while others threw their textbooks into the bin. You don't have to go that far to express your 'new-found' freedom you know.

On the way home I saw my aunt-in-law waiting for my uncle and the usual comment about my height and all that. There was another adult beside me at that time but I was taller than him so...

He 'sniffed' his way up the elevator.

Out of the elevator I saw this old woman admiring the scenery (which is damn beautiful by the way, though everyone got bored looking at it) when she saw me and smiled, asking my age in hokkien.

I told her 16 in chinese and she said some random hokkien number, so I nodded all the way while pulling myself away from her. Turning around another old woman with a baby girl told her something like...

"Ah lim eh sun ar."

I felt as if they were cheering for me and it was hard for me because I felt kind of guilty. I just brushed past her smiling like an idiot, pretending to play with the baby a little, and hurried to the door.

I was feeling kind of depressed actually, to tell the truth. It explains my mood-swing just now in games. It's a way of preventing my emotions from being poured out intentionally.

But why depressed? The same old thing. I'm still lying to myself, telling myself that I've did my best, when out of the many papers I took I only studied for a few of them. Then now I'm worrying about my results and regretting not studying for it.

Too late to do anything anyway.

Zen zen kikanei!

Describe the latest happenings in life of Byan, starting from yesterday until the current time now. Answer in point form.

- Anyone who blocks me first instantly wins the trip to 'No man's land' where I dump mofos.
- Anyone who blocks me first AND still put on fucked up attp will get no chance to return.
- Anyone who blocks me and tries to play, like what Mark says, gamers' tug-of-war, only proves to me that he is childish.
- Anyone who enters a game brought to you by yours truly without paying any fucking respect deserves to get locked up forever, preferably accompanied by gays.

On the side note, the dog-chase-orb thing was fun.

- At night I surfed the web and downloaded quite a few scenic papers.
- While spamming clicks on random links I got to this DA page on an artist doing digital painting.
- That's the next thing I'm going to learn - digital painting, although I'll need that e-pen and tablet. Mouse fails.
- Worked a bit on my Volcano Escape, even though no one seems to be interested in it.

From 4:30 onwards I was playing some hide and seek game with some rude n00bs on MP5 server. Fun though. Went to sleep around 6:30 after that.

- Woke up at 5, FIVE, and realised that I had no more time to study for chemistry.
- Played more games again until now, when I actually felt like typing out something.

Oh, cyber BGRs are fucking disgusting. I told a cyber whore to come to my house to suck my bullets and her dear asked her if she wanted me banned.

"Your 'dear' is a cyber whore, cunt and slut."

Banned.

How did I know that she's a girl? (Note that I didn't say WOMAN) She spoke over the microphone, and I know, by that fucking disgusting sound, that she's, no she's a girl alright, terrible in bed. Oh yes she's terrible in bed.

Utterly disgusting.

...

About time I grow up too.

Confusion.

Well it was me who was raging all the while and he told me he wants to rage.

Caught in the rain despite leaving home early. Got there around 25 minutes prior to the exam.

Then I saw Jin. It was the first time I saw him that angry. Must have disappointed him by not showing up at Mac.

I was struggling with today's math paper. There was this question that needed me to convert cm cube to litres. I skipped that because I don't know how, and there goes 7 marks.

I also found myself going against the clock. Poon won for being able to finish all 11 questions, including 2 questions that you're allowed to choose between, and realised it only after the exam has ended.

I left school without waiting for anyone.

Inner thoughts

A lot of cunts nowadays. A fucking spammer filling up my IM window with tons of questions about the most basic things then daring enough to come at me and TELL ME HE'S GONNA RAGE? God, is this a joke? And why am I asking you?

Another one who apparently got addicted to failure, coming in during my death spree and told me not to rage at him.

Next up, someone who has no respect for himself. Spoiling games and telling people that they've wasted his 'fucking precious' time then appearing as if nothing happened the next day.

Cry out to the Lord, when he's nothing but texts and speeches through mortal hands and their mouth.

Yet text is the way around everything.

"Writing as life and for life."

I'm feeling much better now after writing. Maybe I'll write books in the future.

I got owned?

Resist the Chocolate!! - It's that gay.

Papers suck. I don't want to talk about them anymore, not even my english.

Firefox 2 completely owns IE, although the spelling thing is pissing me off a little.

That's all.

50 times into listless state.

I hate it when everything goes right, since it'll probably go terribly wrong somewhere.

I've fixed some relationships between me and the verbally abused. Since it's not the same for my own kin, I don't think the problem lies with me.

Feeling a little guilty about what I did yesterday. KW asked me what paper was it today and I told him just maths and combined humanities. He asked whether it's social studies or geography but I went offline.

He told me that he studied 'Good Governance' in that 3 hour break, and since it didn't came out for the exam, he left section B completely blank.

That's what he said anyway. I can't believe anyone would be so ignorant as to forget the whole section just simply because you haven't studied for it, but I'm a bit angry at myself for being part of the reason for that.

As for maths, a few careless mistakes here and there. I dropped some bombs too, but they struck their target with a direct hit, so I guess I'm lucky.

For tomorrow, it's a free day, yet I have nothing else to do other than study. Not like I will, since it's time to relax after suffering such a heavy blow from humanities paper 1. It's been awhile since I had to actually study for that long and still turn out unprepared for the paper.

I feel that my intelligence is being insulted.

The painful way.

Just a post containing some usual stuff that people around my age usually include in their posts.

Around 4 cousin called me and asked me to open the door for him.

5 minutes later I went out and my sister was protesting against me for opening the door for him to come in. Just for a few seconds I heard that boy telling me not to open it.

Then all the more I should, right?

It's too late anyway, since they didn't warn me beforehand. There's nothing wrong with him using the internet since he's not surfing porn or whatever.

Thought of sleeping after ZW said he'll leave at 5, but before I knew it it was already 6.

In between that time and till 8:45 I was in subconscious state. I forgot what happened.

After that something triggered my memory. I remembered Cyril and the money I owed him. Couldn't stand what I was seeing in my mind, so I went to the bed and piled my two pillows on top of my head. It's a form of reducing pain and part of the process of entering unconscious state.

Then it went to Saes and his gang, then I realised there are so many people I've letted down.

Even though it's too late.

While mother was cutting my hair she talked about my hairstyle back in primary school. Again, I wanted to knock myself out cold. I bathed, washing my hair 2 times and finally brushing my teeth after months.

I ate dinner, and realised that the minced pork reeked of pig shit.

Gazette - Cassis

Gazette - Cassis

Thanks, Bun.

(Fuck the emo btw.)

begriff99999@hotmail.com

Might as well do something about the tiny weeny fonts on my blog since I'm not going to do a new skin.

O levels' fine. Stop asking.

I hope it gets by quickly. I want to resume my normal routine and stop worrying about it.

Picked up the school magazine yesterday and had a look inside. It sucked because they remind me of a lot of things that I don't want to remember.

Life's like that.

I hope I can still do well despite wanting the frigging O's to pass by quickly. Nevertheless it's always hard work that pays off in the end, not by hoping.

There isn't really anything else I can say.

Some reflections.

After all these years I'm still doubting myself.

Now's definitely not the time for me to regret and deny the fact that I've grown up. I've made myself believe that I've came this far out in life, and if I were to destroy it, it would be no different from trying to destroy the very thing that keeps me alive and strong enough to live on.

Strong? Not exactly. I've always been well aware of my own situation compared to others. I'm nowhere mentally stronger than any of my peers. It's more like being ignorant of whatever's going on around me. By ignoring them I've managed to overcome whatever's blocking my path, even though I have no intention of continuing it in the first place.

Pretty much something that you won't hear from someone who lives in constant doubt of his real personality and his troubled mind, since sometimes my personality varies so much that I'm not sure even if I am myself or not.

I just stumbled across this article on someone else's blog, which in turn led me to this article.

But that isn't really the point here.

Since young I've always been irresponsible, always running from problems instead of facing and solving them. I was afraid of turning to people after I experienced betrayal, so from there I kept running away from everything. It happened that one day I visited a church, and took with me a small booklet titled "Daily Strength". From there, I found out the ultimate excuse to use if I were to fail to solve a problem.

To tell myself that "I did all I could" was what the book told me to do. A lie. Everyone knows. It wouldn't have been an excuse if I at least placed in some effort in solving it, but no.

I was trying to escape all the while, and when I had to face it, I did nothing, not even the minimum - to put at least some effort into it. Thus, that line is a lie, a comforting one, to allow me to ease my mind.

It is evident from my behaviour and my actions, no matter how irregular it may be. Mother always said that only consistent efforts will pay off at the end, especially when it comes to studying. I heard it myself, and took a mental note of it, but it was never practiced once in my life.

I hated it when I see people mugging for exams, not only for the fact that they reminded me of the problem that I was running away from, it also hampers my efforts to convince myself that I'll make it through somehow, even without preparing for it.

It's the same now. I guess that's one thing that doesn't change with your age, your maturity.

It's not too late. Some of my internet pals have been trying to convince me to study and I've been pasting this piece of stupid paper at the monitor to stop me from playing it (not like it's working though.)

Aunt has just replied the letter I sent to her a few months ago, all she said was to buy an air ticket and go visit her in Australia so we can have a good chat about my problems, but when she can't understand?

I'm afraid by the time I visit her everything has already ended. I don't want to continue if it fails this time.

You people out there know very well what I'm talking about here.

List of failures.

Kenneth has invited you to connect as friends on LoveHappens

Accept this invitation by clicking below:

http://www.lovehappens.com/invite/landing.html?email=xxx%40hotmail.com&id=nlG3MtYQNJGPhBe4gcAuN8IWmlSwFtGXNi00&firstName=neuropathy&invId=r71qhkge8krZxRKy

If you have trouble clicking on the link, copy and paste it into your browser's address bar.

I guess he forgot my gender.

Hello,

Thank you for accepting my invitation to enter your birthdate. I am building a group horoscope on the star signs of my friends.

Please log in and enter your birthday at
http://StarClique2.com/register.html?fid=Mjg0MTg0NjQ%3D&eid=Mjk3ODM4NTQ%3D&mvid=16

Remember, enter your birthday as soon as possible!

Thanks,
Hong

When I don't even know who Hong is.

The next's one's a flash page so I can't paste it in here. It's that xxx has Tagged you! :) bullshit.

DEAR SIR/MADAM,

BUSINESS WORTH US$22.100.000M DOLLARS I NEEDED A PARTNER, I AM FROM NIGERIA I FORMERLY WORK WITH CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (C.B.N)

REGRARDS,

MR. MOSES FRANCIS

- Mr. Moses Francis

Nigeria scammer. I posted a reply back at him, asking him if he's really interested in starting a business with a 16 year old. Never heard from him again.

Next one's another StarClique, but in image format so I'm not posting it.

Sign up so we can play
http://comeplay25g.com/go.asp?id=1&sourceid=100142&friend=xxx&email=xxx@hotmail.com

x 2 times. What's shitty about this is that the name of my friend doesn't match his/her email on the link, yet the subject head writes out the full email of my friend. Worm in action. Too much porn.

It's xxx's birthday on July 8!

xxx
Birthday: July 8
xxx@hotmail.com
Home: (+65)xxxxxxxx
Mobile: (+65)xxxxxxxx

Nothing funny about this email from Ringo, but the subject says "xxx has a birthday". Tell me, who the fuck in this planet doesn't have a birthday, unless he/she's not a human, then maybe I can understand, but even some animals have a birthday.

Hi,
I just signed up at IMVU.com. I'd like you to come join me!
Basic membership is free, and it takes about a minute to create your own avatar.
--Guest_xxx

Your buddy Guest_xxx has invited you to chat in 3D!

You are receiving this email because someone who knows you sent you an invitation to join them on imvu.com. If you want to prevent any future e-mail from IMVU, you can remove yourself from by pointing your web browser to http://www.imvu.com/catalog/web_nonregisteredoptout.php. Your opt-out confirmation code is 61bd60.

Sure, chat in 3D and visit that link to get my com infected with spyware. No thanks.

The cold static.

Everytime I leave my room and return to it I can't help but notice how cold it is.

Either that fan's too strong or there's something sucking off all the heat. What makes it more weird is that there isn't any good ventilation system here, and the whole room reeks of my sweat, although I can't smell it.

Meanwhile I'm getting caught up by new games. Well ok Final Fantasy isn't new but, I'll consider it new since I'm playing it for the first time. It's taking away the drive to study, even though O levels are just less than a week's time away from now. Then again it's not like I would be studying if I haven't gotten to play it.

With that said, hopefully I'll be able to spend the full day studying, which is highly impossible, despite telling myself this message every single day after the graduation ceremony. I wonder where would I end up?

The meat pau I'm eating now stinks of plastic and paper. Bad meat. Bad pau.