Lesson 3.

Is it lesson 3 or 4 by now?

Whatever.

Lesson 3: Verbal Warfare

Now class, there are a few things that you must take note of before I proceed on with the lesson. Know that I'm an absolute vet when it comes to winning AND losing (with honour) arguments (not quite offline since I often stammer while I speak) and that following my advice might still lead you nowhere close to pwning your old nemesis verbally.

Still, there is a need to type this. 2 reasons.

1st: I love pwning people in arguments.
2nd: I'm bored.

To WIN

1) It's a matter of reverse psychology. In Singapore's internet community you can never miss out those who curse your mother and father thinking that's the "ultimate of any DotA hero". That's easy to reverse because you know, that if he/she (will there be a she anyway) targets your papa/mama, he's/she's afraid of getting targetted by it himself/herself.

Then comes the QUITE typical Singaporean response, which is a "haha" followed by "my papa/mama is x times [insert good qualities here] than yours" and/or "your papa/mama got no/no/bo lj/cb".

This is where it splits off to many paths you can take to ownage, but I'll say my own style.

First go on and state that your papa/mama DOES have a lj/cb, then go ahead and explain how Adam and Eve met (did they?), how Adam got horny, how many times he inserted his thing into Eve's thing, the ratio of volume of sperm wasted to the volume of sperm that successfully entered her thing, how that one lucky sperm got to fuse with the egg, what if there is no egg, how a zygote is formed, how it travels through the fallopian tube, the emotional/physical symptoms experienced by Eve at that time, the probability of twins, the function of the amniotic fluid, placenta, umbilical cord, uteres lining, cervix and the vagina during both the growth and the birth of the foetus, time taken for each stage of development of the foetus, ambiguous cases and many more till it leads down to your papa/mama then you. After this explain how it is the same for him and his papa/mama (if he has them).

You can even turn it into a joke if you're humorous enough.

2) Then there's those who insult you just simply because they don't like you. Such are the people where reverse psychology fails big time. To counter this, know that it isn't your problem.

"Fuck you I don't like you."
"Hmm. That's your problem isn't it?"

3) Know that the Singaporean internet community does include the presence of highly intelligent lifeforms behind screens. Such are those that, even after you've spammed all your 1337est english, manages to decode it and/or find grammatical and spelling errors in your sentence, throwing them back at you.

"WAD DOES I DID HEES ENGLAND TOO PLO"

DO NOT entertain such people. The first thing you must do is to lower your intelligence. After you do, make sure THEY lower their intelligence too. The idea here is to get them to lower their intelligence until a level that you can manage and pummel them with your low intelligence. Suggestions include overusage of capslock key, typing ! as 1 and usage of h4x0r language.

Else go get some intelligence tomes.

IF THEY RE-EVOLVE into highly intelligent pokemons end it with your winner phrase, which MUST be something that makes no absolute sense.

For example; POOPBELLS

Make sure it's not something that they can easily make assumptions of though.

Losing is another fun part of arguments. In arguments where you know you are just going to lose, at least save some face la.

To LOSE

1) BE HUMBLE.

Being humble has it's own advantage. When you feel like you're losing the war, state out your own bad example. From there the guy you're arguing with will either 1) feel bad for you or 2) continue.

If it's 1), strike back once he's low enough. If it's 2), attack by making assumptions of that person being a kid/immatured/childish/undeveloped/not morally educated/stupid/homo/cunt/slut/whore/nigga and many more.

2) "You think I care?" method is a very Singaporean method. I don't really recommend using it because most of the time it gets countered within 5 seconds.

3) Reversal. Reverse what was originally right.

"I don't think you know [insert game name here] ethics." (You can't change ethics independently, therefore you will lose this argument)
"From that I can see that you've not played enough."

Careful when doing it in areas with large amounts of people though, since the general population will most probably butt in and kick your ass.

4) Degradation. Degrade that person. Make him someone of lower status and be critical.

"KID IN ACTION!"

"Welcome to [your name]'s DID YOU KNOW section!"
"Today's: DID YOU KNOW, that [his name] is a kid, a homo, a nigga and everything he says lack common sense?"
"OH YES I KNEW"

5) Sexual assault.

"Suck my cock bitch."
"Got vagina?"
"I can hear you moan!"

To EVADE

1) World peace.

"Why don't you [insert method of dying], then maybe we can have some world peace."

Make associations with current/ancient events such as the US-Iraq war, changing the storyline as required. For example, if someone is damn fat, assume 50% of the oil available in Iraq went to this someone, thus Iraq had to build nuclear weapons to stop excessive leeching of oil by this person.

2) Killer phrases

I'm not telling you mine.

3) Accents (only in real life)

These can instantly turn arguments into jokes. Commonly used are Indian accents. My friend uses British. I use a lunatic's.

4) Do you?

"I HAVE A COCK. DO YOU?"
"I HAVE A PUSSY. DO YOU?" (note that this WORKS even while you're a male and they know it)

Bah I'm tired of typing. That's all class.