18 still.

I know I'm not yet 18. My birthday's 3 months away and for another 3 months I'm going back to indulge myself in work.

I don't like it.

It's painful for me to repeat the process of becoming so distraught, so alienated and so detached from reality once the holidays end. I know for long enough this wouldn't end. It'll continue as part of my life. I mean everyone goes through such situations. I know because my siblings exhibit this kind of behavior near the end of holidays too, though not to the extend of mine. I admire their ability to overcome this problem and I guess that's one of my biggest weaknesses as a living person.

Frankly, the thought of turning 18 frightens me. I don't think I've had enough preparations for the real world. I'm not so concern about the fact that I'm no longer young. The problem here is fear. Fear of failure to cope with whatever coming my way.

I deem myself a weak person because of the reason above. I tried to draw strength, or perhaps a new reason, for myself to live on, but how can one draw strength from himself when he doesn't believe he has any to begin with? You are what you think you are, and I'm weak.

I've never believed that to live life is for myself. Till this day I'm still pondering about the reason for my birth, which I doubt I'd be able to find until the day of my death.

So the alternative method would be to draw strength from others. I know how much of a letdown I am, and from here on I thought about the consequences of staying a shut-in at home and not doing anything about my life. The first person that came to mind when disappointment was mentioned inside was my mother. From there it may seem easy to live on for the sake of someone else, but unfortunately it only served to trap myself in a vicious cycle of denial.

What happens if my mother were to pass away? I'd be no more than just a lost child in this world. So who do I draw strength from next? No one.

I've sought to talk with someone capable of understanding me on such a level and I thought my aunt was the only one. I sought self-demise but she protested against it.

Of course she'd be against it.

If only someone would understand how much strength's waned as I typed.

Just so fucking sick of this bullshit going on and on.